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March 14, 2013
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therapy:
"I'm not an artist. I'm just a kid with a keyboard."

“And, y'know, I’m probably not really sick.”

“I read a lot of books. I probably just act like this because I saw it somewhere on the Internet.”

“I just want to be more like my dad.”

“I’m really just a pathological crybaby who wants attention,” I tell you.



You say, “I think there are better ways to get attention than fake a mental disorder.”

“Maybe I’m doing it for fun.”



Charlie,
The problem isn’t that I need to see a therapist.
The problem is that I need to see a therapist because I dream about slamming your head into a tree.

Right after we broke up, you took me to the bike cage and promised me everything would be okay. Then you got together with that fifteen year old from Michigan and told our friends that I was a freak.

Slamming your head into a tree might be painful, but nothing will ever hurt more than knowing I did nothing wrong and I got hurt, anyways.


It’s been eleven months since then and I’m still in the exact same place.

I compared falling in love to somebody holding a gun to your head in an eighth grade English assignment, and I nearly got suspended for it.

But it’s not fair because falling in love with you put me in therapy.

People say I need to let go, but I will never let go. I will never try to move past this because then I’ll lose, to another boy, and the only person with a gun to my head will be me.


Dad,
The problem isn’t that you loved me.

The problem is that I found a broken boy sixteen years later who was just like you. And when he broke my heart, it was like every time I had to find you passed out on the couch.

It was worse.

It was worse because I did everything I could to make us better, and in the end I lost both of you, anyways.

The problem isn’t that you’re not dead.
The problem is that I think being dead hurts less.

The problem isn’t that I still love you.
The problem is that I hate myself so much that I let him break my heart even after you’d already done it for him.
(The difference is, when you said you were sorry, you meant it.)

The problem isn’t that people were telling me to blame you.
The problem is that people were telling me to blame you for everything that was wrong with my life. And I did – and I’m sorry, too.


Quietly, you say: “Are you having fun?”

I can't feel the tears until they're halfway down my face.

“No, I’m not.”
This is not a poem, because my pain is not beautiful. My suffering is not an art form. These are three letters I wrote to my therapist, to my father, and to my ex.

April 18th is the day Charlie broke up with me.
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:iconthewolfinhereyes:
thewolfinhereyes Featured By Owner Aug 18, 2013  Hobbyist Writer
Oh, my word. This is wonderful. The scary thing is is how I relate to this...the other scary thing is that April 18th is my birthday.

Still, very beautiful. :heart:
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:iconcolbalt-rain:
colbalt-rain Featured By Owner Aug 19, 2013   Writer
Thank you very much. <3
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:iconstichesbodybagttags:
stichesBodyBagTtags Featured By Owner Aug 7, 2013  Professional Photographer
beautiful and sad ,I can feel the pain come through the words
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:iconcolbalt-rain:
colbalt-rain Featured By Owner Aug 7, 2013   Writer
Thank you. :heart: I'm feeling much better about all of this now.
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:iconcallmecatte:
callmecatte Featured By Owner Jul 13, 2013  Hobbyist
I don't really know how to describe how much this blows me away. Especially the part about your dad. Around that part I actually started to cry, because you put almost my exact feelings into words when I never really could. So thank you so much
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:iconcolbalt-rain:
colbalt-rain Featured By Owner Jul 13, 2013   Writer
You're most welcome. :heart:
And thank you for the comment.
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:icontheinvisble:
TheInvisble Featured By Owner Jul 8, 2013  Hobbyist Writer
Um, so, did your dad die? I kind of got confused.
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:iconcolbalt-rain:
colbalt-rain Featured By Owner Jul 8, 2013   Writer
No, he didn't.
When I was a kid, my father was an alcoholic and spent the better part of his time neglecting me. By using past tense, I don't mean that I've stopped blaming him because he's dead. He's alive and well, and I meant that I've stopped blaming him for everything that's wrong with me - because that's what people have told me to do, and I now realize that it's just not true. Sorry if that wasn't clear.
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:icontheinvisble:
TheInvisble Featured By Owner Jul 11, 2013  Hobbyist Writer
Oh its okay. Its very easy to confuse me. And I'm sorry about your dad.
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:iconlikelytodisaster:
likelytodisaster Featured By Owner Jul 3, 2013
I never had a relationship in my life, but I identified so much with this it hurts, especially regarding your father and your atittude in therapy (I also go through therapy. Sometimes, I doubt so much the reasons why I am there that I'm on the verge of negating the entire existence of the universe; still, I wonder if iI truly need help or if I am just a stupid atenttion whore. Go figures). I hope you get better (and I hope Charlie falls from the fifth floor. On his head).

You are not a kid with a keyboard. You have some real talent here.
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