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therapy:
"I'm not an artist. I'm just a kid with a keyboard."

“And, y'know, I’m probably not really sick.”

“I read a lot of books. I probably just act like this because I saw it somewhere on the Internet.”

“I just want to be more like my dad.”

“I’m really just a pathological crybaby who wants attention,” I tell you.



You say, “I think there are better ways to get attention than fake a mental disorder.”

“Maybe I’m doing it for fun.”



Charlie,
The problem isn’t that I need to see a therapist.
The problem is that I need to see a therapist because I dream about slamming your head into a tree.

Right after we broke up, you took me to the bike cage and promised me everything would be okay. Then you got together with that fifteen year old from Michigan and told our friends that I was a freak.

Slamming your head into a tree might be painful, but nothing will ever hurt more than knowing I did nothing wrong and I got hurt, anyways.


It’s been eleven months since then and I’m still in the exact same place.

I compared falling in love to somebody holding a gun to your head in an eighth grade English assignment, and I nearly got suspended for it.

But it’s not fair because falling in love with you put me in therapy.

People say I need to let go, but I will never let go. I will never try to move past this because then I’ll lose, to another boy, and the only person with a gun to my head will be me.


Dad,
The problem isn’t that you loved me.

The problem is that I found a broken boy sixteen years later who was just like you. And when he broke my heart, it was like every time I had to find you passed out on the couch.

It was worse.

It was worse because I did everything I could to make us better, and in the end I lost both of you, anyways.

The problem isn’t that you’re not dead.
The problem is that I think being dead hurts less.

The problem isn’t that I still love you.
The problem is that I hate myself so much that I let him break my heart even after you’d already done it for him.
(The difference is, when you said you were sorry, you meant it.)

The problem isn’t that people were telling me to blame you.
The problem is that people were telling me to blame you for everything that was wrong with my life. And I did – and I’m sorry, too.


Quietly, you say: “Are you having fun?”

I can't feel the tears until they're halfway down my face.

“No, I’m not.”
This is not a poem, because my pain is not beautiful. My suffering is not an art form. These are three letters I wrote to my therapist, to my father, and to my ex.

April 18th is the day Charlie broke up with me.
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:iconthewolfinhereyes:
thewolfinhereyes Featured By Owner Aug 18, 2013  Hobbyist Writer
Oh, my word. This is wonderful. The scary thing is is how I relate to this...the other scary thing is that April 18th is my birthday.

Still, very beautiful. :heart:
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:iconcolbalt-rain:
colbalt-rain Featured By Owner Aug 19, 2013   Writer
Thank you very much. <3
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:iconstichesbodybagttags:
stichesBodyBagTtags Featured By Owner Aug 7, 2013  Student Photographer
beautiful and sad ,I can feel the pain come through the words
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:iconcolbalt-rain:
colbalt-rain Featured By Owner Aug 7, 2013   Writer
Thank you. :heart: I'm feeling much better about all of this now.
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:iconcallmecatte:
callmecatte Featured By Owner Jul 13, 2013  Hobbyist
I don't really know how to describe how much this blows me away. Especially the part about your dad. Around that part I actually started to cry, because you put almost my exact feelings into words when I never really could. So thank you so much
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:iconcolbalt-rain:
colbalt-rain Featured By Owner Jul 13, 2013   Writer
You're most welcome. :heart:
And thank you for the comment.
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:icontheinvisble:
TheInvisble Featured By Owner Jul 8, 2013  Hobbyist Writer
Um, so, did your dad die? I kind of got confused.
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:iconcolbalt-rain:
colbalt-rain Featured By Owner Jul 8, 2013   Writer
No, he didn't.
When I was a kid, my father was an alcoholic and spent the better part of his time neglecting me. By using past tense, I don't mean that I've stopped blaming him because he's dead. He's alive and well, and I meant that I've stopped blaming him for everything that's wrong with me - because that's what people have told me to do, and I now realize that it's just not true. Sorry if that wasn't clear.
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:icontheinvisble:
TheInvisble Featured By Owner Jul 11, 2013  Hobbyist Writer
Oh its okay. Its very easy to confuse me. And I'm sorry about your dad.
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:iconlikelytodisaster:
likelytodisaster Featured By Owner Jul 3, 2013
I never had a relationship in my life, but I identified so much with this it hurts, especially regarding your father and your atittude in therapy (I also go through therapy. Sometimes, I doubt so much the reasons why I am there that I'm on the verge of negating the entire existence of the universe; still, I wonder if iI truly need help or if I am just a stupid atenttion whore. Go figures). I hope you get better (and I hope Charlie falls from the fifth floor. On his head).

You are not a kid with a keyboard. You have some real talent here.
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:iconcolbalt-rain:
colbalt-rain Featured By Owner Jul 4, 2013   Writer
Thank you very much. :heart:

Charlie and I became good friends after I turned this piece out, which, in my opinion, is better than slamming his head into a tree. He's gotten his emotional problems under control, more or less, which is relief, and I'm happy we can at least be friends again.
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:iconlikelytodisaster:
likelytodisaster Featured By Owner Jul 6, 2013
That's good. He is not a total jerk then, but just a regular guy that makes crappy things like almost anyone else in the planet but is not beyond salvation. I'm glad you're not in good terms in this case ;)
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:iconluckylucy13:
LuckyLucy13 Featured By Owner Jun 23, 2013
I'm truly hoping life will give you something good than you've had. Soon. At least, you're great at expressing feelings. Don't even have words to tell you how powerful it is. Takes you straight to the point. It's been long since the last time i read something "working so good", if you know what i mean. Makes me /feel/ it. You're good at wtiting, really.
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:iconcolbalt-rain:
colbalt-rain Featured By Owner Jun 29, 2013   Writer
Life's better for me now, for sure. I actually had this file sitting on my desktop for about eight months prior to posting it. I only finished it because, in the moment, I was furious (once again) with my ex. And thank you very much. :heart:
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:icontravelgirlxx:
travelgirlxx Featured By Owner Mar 30, 2013
Critique for :iconsuperwritershelp:

Wow. I really feel the emotion in this piece. The last three sentences: perfect. Whatever else you do: don't change them!

I only want bold text for therapy, Charlie, and Dad. That helps with the flow of the piece.

The therapy letter portion is really good. I love your excuses because they feel real as they are read, and that's the point.


Minor edits:

The problem isn’t that I need to see a therapist.

The problem is that I need to see a therapist because I dream about slamming your head into a tree.

Right after we broke up, you took me to the bike cage and promised me everything would be okay.

Then you got together with that fifteen year old from Michigan and told our friends that I was a freak.

Slamming your head into a tree might be painful, but nothing will ever hurt more than knowing I did nothing wrong and I got hurt, anyway.


It’s been eleven months since then, and I’m still in the exact same place.

I compared falling in love to somebody holding a gun to your head in an English assignment last semester, and I nearly got suspended for it. But it’s not fair, because falling in love with you put me in therapy.

People say I need to let go, but I will never let go. I will never try to move past this because then I’ll lose, to another boy, and then the only person with a gun to my head will be me.



The problem isn’t that you’re not dead.
The problem is that I think being dead hurts less.

^^^^^I'm fairly certain I know what you mean here, but I think it needs a sentence or two to help clarify what you're trying to tell your dad: not that you want him dead, but that you feel as if being dead would be better for you.

The problem isn’t that I still love you.
The problem is that I hate myself so much that I let him break my heart even after you’d already done it for him.
(The difference is, when you said you were sorry, you meant it.)

I need more clarification about the dad and what he did. He was an alcoholic, yes? I think one small sentence would really help this section.

The problem isn’t that people were telling me to blame you.
The problem is that people were telling me to blame you for everything that was wrong with my life. And I did – and I’m sorry about that, too.

Really great start! I don't think this non-fiction piece needs much. It's really hard to critique such a personal piece, but I hope I've helped you :) Feel free to ask questions if you need clarification.
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:iconcolbalt-rain:
colbalt-rain Featured By Owner Apr 21, 2013   Writer
You have helped me with that critique, thank you. :heart: I'll definitely be sure to clarify more points in the next piece I write.
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:icontravelgirlxx:
travelgirlxx Featured By Owner Apr 23, 2013
Glad I could help!
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:icontheemptychest:
TheEmptyChest Featured By Owner Mar 22, 2013
Damn, girl. You never cease to blow my socks off.
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:iconcolbalt-rain:
colbalt-rain Featured By Owner Mar 26, 2013   Writer
Thank you very much!
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:icontheemptychest:
TheEmptyChest Featured By Owner Mar 30, 2013
You're very welcome!
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:iconarabesque-o:
arabesque-o Featured By Owner Mar 22, 2013  Student Photographer
wow. powerful.
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:iconcolbalt-rain:
colbalt-rain Featured By Owner Mar 26, 2013   Writer
Thank you. :heart:
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:iconmistressofquills:
MistressofQuills Featured By Owner Mar 21, 2013  Student Writer
No matter what it is, it was beautifully written:) I commend your courage to put these up in a deviation....some are not so brave, and tell their own woes in tales of fiction. Just know that you're not alone:)
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:iconcolbalt-rain:
colbalt-rain Featured By Owner Mar 21, 2013   Writer
Thank you. :heart:
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:iconmistressofquills:
MistressofQuills Featured By Owner Mar 21, 2013  Student Writer
:aww: :heart:
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:iconimnurhest:
Imnurhest Featured By Owner Mar 17, 2013  Hobbyist Digital Artist
At risk of sounding cliche ... may the brighter points in your life lessen the dark ones.
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:iconcolbalt-rain:
colbalt-rain Featured By Owner Mar 17, 2013   Writer
I don't mind cliches, to be honest. :heart: Thank you. I'm trying.
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:iconshawtymanex42:
shawtymanex42 Featured By Owner Mar 15, 2013
I wish I could write a decent and coherent review but God damn, I can't, too many feelings, all I can say is...
:iconbigheartplz: It may be painful, but it's also powerful as fuck.
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:iconcolbalt-rain:
colbalt-rain Featured By Owner Mar 15, 2013   Writer
Thank you. :iconsadhugplz: And that's definitely a decent and coherent review right there, so don't fret.
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:iconshawtymanex42:
shawtymanex42 Featured By Owner Mar 16, 2013
You're welcome! :glomp:
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:iconariannathekeybearer:
AriannaTheKeybearer Featured By Owner Mar 15, 2013  Hobbyist Traditional Artist
I feel like this sheds a whole new light on stuff involving depression, how the human mind receives being wronged in some way and reacting to it.

The way you said 'it isn't this, it's this' is amazing in a way I can't even describe, you make it look so easy to say 'it isn't this, it's this' without making yourself flustered and angry. If many people were able to say things this way, I'm sure there would be much less fighting and misunderstanding.

And in regards to what happened, I can't decide for you, but I understand the feeling that being dead seems easier in the long run, but I could have a necklace worth of beads of how many times I experienced a moment that I'm glad that I was alive for, and not dead. And it is really hard to not blame anyone, because it seems like it would be the perfect way to vent the anger and frustration so that you don't unleash it on yourself.

The way you said 'did everything you could but you still lost what was important to you' allows the image of hopelessness to be personified perfectly in other peoples eyes and why you feel this way.

It is a justification for behavior you probably consider unruly and unable to be forgiven for, but... Even if those who know you can't forgive you for what you did, I forgive you because I know all the feelings you described here... And yet, I feel like I'm still unable to end the suffering on my end. I hope at least to some extent you can end yours and make everything right.
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:iconcolbalt-rain:
colbalt-rain Featured By Owner Mar 15, 2013   Writer
I'm honestly not blaming anyone anymore. I spent a long time blaming my dad, my family, my ex, my mother, whoever. But the only person I blame for any of this anymore is me.

And that's exactly what I felt: hopeless. Writing this piece actually helped me realize that.

I know this'll go away. It always does. But when I'm depressed, everything is all dark and I can't remember one time when I was happy, even if deep down I know I haven't been sad for seventeen years straight. But even if it goes away, it's just so hard to life through. ._.
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:iconariannathekeybearer:
AriannaTheKeybearer Featured By Owner Mar 15, 2013  Hobbyist Traditional Artist
It really is hard to live through, I am living through it as well. It's hard to remember the happy times but they are there. I wish you luck in your life and hope things will get better.
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:iconcolbalt-rain:
colbalt-rain Featured By Owner Mar 15, 2013   Writer
Thank you. :heart: My worry is that it took my dad twenty-five years to find the proper medication - and even though most of it was in a time when bipolar disorder was misunderstood, I'm barely a year into the game and I've already kind of lost hope.
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:iconwambulenceman:
wambulenceman Featured By Owner Mar 14, 2013
Perhaps to you I might just seem like another ignorant commenter telling you the same stuff you have already heard. I like to think that there is wisdom in my words and even if there isn't, I'm not passing up on the chance to help my friend. To be blunt, I don't believe letting it go would be "losing" in any way. Relieving yourself of all this anger and sadness wouldn't be a loss. It's when you let it take over your life, and destroy you, that you've lost. Right now you have people who care for you, your own talents and personal life, and a boyfriend who loves you greatly. Life is too short to be pissed off all of the time, and if you don't value what you have now, sooner or later it'll be gone. No one is demanding that you forget everything entirely, but why not let go of the past a bit?

I hope I've been some help to you and I hope you feel alright soon.
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:iconcolbalt-rain:
colbalt-rain Featured By Owner Mar 15, 2013   Writer
That's sweet. But it's not that simple. I don't work the same way as other people, and it rips me up inside that, as my dad puts it, I "feel things more extremely than other people." Because I do. And I'm not beating myself up for that. I'm not beating myself up for anything at all. It wasn't my fault, it still isn't, but I refuse to let go of all the hatred I feel because in my book, that's forgiveness, and there are some people who don't deserve forgiving.

I'm at the point where nothing in my life and nobody in my life matters to me anymore. I've given up. All my life it's felt incomplete, like something is missing, and I now realize that that something was me. I tried so hard my entire childhood to please my parents that I never saw how I was just letting myself go and making myself into what other people wanted me to be.

I know everything good will eventually be gone, because that's what always happens. Good things don't happen in my experience, so I don't bother holding on because letting go is impossible. It's not who I am.

And I'm seeing a psychiatrist, so maybe that'll do something.
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:iconwambulenceman:
wambulenceman Featured By Owner Mar 15, 2013
As someone who also feels things more extremely, I can definitely understand where you are coming from. And I'm not saying you need to forgive anyone, in fact I'm saying quite the opposite. What I was saying was that being unforgiving isn't bad, but there's a way to keep your hatred without causing yourself so much internal suffering.

I feel that while finding yourself is important, I don't feel like its right to abandon the people who've been trying to help you through everything. That being said it takes a lot of thought to really think who your allies are. No matter how people were raised, everyone is in control of their lives to a certain extent. What it ends up being is a compromise. Finding who you are and being in control is essential, but at the same time it isn't good to be a full on rebel.

About good things, I've seen good things happen to you. Even if some are more minor then others then they are still good.

I understand that its not simple, all im asking is for you to consider my words, not instinctively argue against them.
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:iconcolbalt-rain:
colbalt-rain Featured By Owner Mar 15, 2013   Writer
It's not just this that's hurting me, it's everything, and I'm damn tired of it all.

But the thing is that the people who have been trying to help me don't understand me at all. And people can't do anything for me if they don't understand what the problem is, and the problem is that I'm tired of talking about it all the time. It isn't even really an issue with how I was raised. This is about my brain. This is about a fatal fault in my biochemistry that ruined my father's life and is already ruining mine.

I know good things happen, but it's like all of the good things and happiness are kind of mute at this point. It's supposed to be "normal" to feel like you're staring into a big black tunnel when you're depressed, but if this is what I can expect with my life, I don't know how anybody can help me with that. But I respect what you're trying to do. I'm just saying that helping me at this point feels like a lost cause. I don't want people to waste their time on me.
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:iconwambulenceman:
wambulenceman Featured By Owner Mar 17, 2013
People aren't going to fully understand you in the same way that you will never fully understand everyone else. People just don't get everything about another person. Problems with understanding could also have something to do with problems of conveyance. Honestly though, people don't need to fully get everything in order to help, and while you may have given up on yourself already, other people have not, and that's why they try to understand and help you.

Though you may think differently, nothing is completely set in stone for your life right now. Your entire future hasn't been fully decided for you. You AREN'T a lost cause at all, and I'm not "wasting my time" by helping you. Maybe it's true that there isn't anything that can fully solve your problems right now, but clearly have a lot of other qualities that will be beneficial to you in life. If you really want to stop talking about this then just say the word and I'll stop, I just don't think you should look at your life with this sense of futility.
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:iconcolbalt-rain:
colbalt-rain Featured By Owner Mar 17, 2013   Writer
I appreciate more than most, James. You're a loyal person and I can respect that.

I'd say more but I feel like I couldn't convince you otherwise. So I won't, because I can be grateful for what you try to do for me.
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:iconwambulenceman:
wambulenceman Featured By Owner Mar 18, 2013
I'm happy if I can be even the slightest amount of help :3
I hope things become better for you soon.
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:iconnhlovedani:
NHLoveDani Featured By Owner Mar 14, 2013  Hobbyist General Artist
Oh, dear... I'm no one to you, and I know that your life is much worse than mine in that perspective. But, to leave the words bluntly, if you were to let go you would not lose. You would win. Because every person that has every had the nerve to hurt anyone only looks to hurt them further and keep hurting them-- because they already know from their own experience that no one likes to let go.

It's difficult. Sometimes you just can't find a proper way. But it's best to try than let it tear you up... Just slowly but surely, think it over, try to put some positive reasoning in between, and surely it'll fall away from you...
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:iconcolbalt-rain:
colbalt-rain Featured By Owner Mar 15, 2013   Writer
But that's problem, because I have tried. But, like I said, it's been nearly a year and I haven't moved forward an inch. In fact, I've taken a few steps back. If I had to be honest - and it's taken me so long to realize this - the pain of it all is still with me, even stronger today than it was last year. It's not that I didn't try, or that maybe I won't try again in the future. It's that right here, right now, I've just given up.
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:iconnhlovedani:
NHLoveDani Featured By Owner Mar 15, 2013  Hobbyist General Artist
I hope you find someone who can help you stand up again. Whether it'll be a person you meet or something bigger. We all need it sometime, and I'm sure that you aren't the only one to have gone through this. So I feel it in my heart you'll get through it :hug:.
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:iconawsomeanimegamergirl:
AwsomeAnimeGamerGirl Featured By Owner Mar 14, 2013  Hobbyist Artist
I'm at a loss for words, yo. I honestly don't know what to say to this "piece". It isn't a piece, and I know that. It's you getting your emotions out there in the open, and I respect that. I just don't know how I am suppose to react to this...that's all...

I feel you...on a different level...but I do, yo. I do...
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:iconcolbalt-rain:
colbalt-rain Featured By Owner Mar 15, 2013   Writer
Honestly, this feels like something I've needed to say for a long time. The parallels between my dad and my ex are strong, and they upset me like you wouldn't fucking believe.
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:iconawsomeanimegamergirl:
AwsomeAnimeGamerGirl Featured By Owner Mar 15, 2013  Hobbyist Artist
I had no idea man. I mean, you told me a bunch about the Charlie thing...but I didn't know about the father thing until a bit more recently (you didn't say much about it when we hung out at your house that last time when we were talking about my dad and your dad...but you said some stuff...)
But now these connect and now I sorta get it...(to an extent...I'll never fully get it...only you will...)
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:iconcolbalt-rain:
colbalt-rain Featured By Owner Mar 15, 2013   Writer
I don't talk about my dad much because I wasn't even really aware that he kind of neglected me (and fuck, I'm stressing the "kind of" here, because honestly, it's not the sort of thing that'll fuck me up for me life, and we're spending time together regularly now.) But a lot of the ways Charlie treated me corresponded with the way my dad treated me, and that just. Bothers me.

And nobody will truly understand it except me, really, since nobody's inside my head. And thank God for that because it's a fucking ugly and horrible place and I'd do anything to move out for a week or two.
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:iconawsomeanimegamergirl:
AwsomeAnimeGamerGirl Featured By Owner Mar 17, 2013  Hobbyist Artist
Oh...I see...I had no idea...

And yeah. I understand not wanting to be in your own mind for a nice long vacation. Frankly, my mind is a fucked up nightmare of all things bad.
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:iconcolbalt-rain:
colbalt-rain Featured By Owner Mar 17, 2013   Writer
Writing helps clear it out sometimes, but then I have days where if I try to write even a single word I hate the sight of it, I hate everything about every word I've ever written. It just sucks, the inconsistency of it all.
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