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Submitted on
February 10
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after they diagnosed my father,
my mother told me,
if she had known,
she would have never had children.

it scares me to think that,
eventually,
one day i could hear a small voice saying,

“mommy, i don’t feel right.”
    --

“you don’t look sick,”
they say, noticing that i’m not dragging around
an i.v. stand.

noticing that my sweatshirt is black
and not a white hospital gown
swinging around marbled, knocking knees.

“but i’m still unwell,” i say
in a voice that doesn’t shake
and they just look disappointed,
like i don’t fit.

like i’m the skewed painting
on the fucked-up-person wall.
    --

“but,” they say, “don’t bipolar people
usually kill themselves?”

“but i tried,” i say
with my wrists unmarked
and they just shake their heads

almost as if to say
not hard enough.
    --

“poor girl,” they say, looking right at me,
sitting next to my dad as he laughs too loud.

they are the only ones who grimace
as they say,
“poor girl.
poor thing.

having to put up with that every day.”
    --

bipolar disorder,” my phys ed teacher/
my counselor/
my old friends/
spit, like the word is a pill
melting on their tongues.

“all teenagers have mood swings.”
    --

swings are fun
until you’re strapped down
and can’t leave.


until all you know of the world
is a bright, dizzying blur.
Mood swings are when you're moody due to hormonal changes and go through "phases."

Bipolar disorder is when you break down sobbing at four in the morning, or drive your parents' car through the garage, or have a panic attack in the middle of the day and run off school campus screaming, or get two hours of sleep and then write a concerto in another three. Bipolar disorder is a life-threatening illness that is not characterized by scars or your hair falling out or a small, quaking body - and its this invisibility that makes it so dangerous.

edit: Featured here!
edit: And here!
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:iconm155-b3h4v3:
M155-B3h4v3 Featured By Owner Sep 1, 2014  Hobbyist Artisan Crafter
Hi there

I would really love to feature this on My Blog

Please could you give me a shout and let me know if you're interested.

Thanks 
Reply
:iconpatient33:
pATIEnt33 Featured By Owner Aug 10, 2014  New member Hobbyist Writer
"but don't bipolar people kill themselves?....you didn't try hard enough."

"swings are fun until you're strapped down & can't leave...until all you know of the world is a bright, dizzying blur."

Those two verses are amazing & absolutely too synonymous with my bipolar diagnosis.

And no shit is it a life-threatening disease. Psychosis can kill me, or you, or a schizophrenic...all it takes is getting psychotic enough for our adrenaline to send "self-destruct" messages to our brain. It's not fair how some people can't comprehend that.

Bipolar disorder almost took me the first weekend in March 2013. I guess God said that Sunday morning "not today."
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:iconmodified-rabbit:
Modified-Rabbit Featured By Owner Jul 10, 2014  Professional Traditional Artist
Im working on a project and would like to hear more of what this is like for you. 
I want to do something with some music that shows more of what the victims of certain personality disorders go through, rather than focusing on how awful it seems to make said victim look like to others. 
If youd like to, feel free to note me as lengthy explanation as youd like about your experiences with this. 
Maybe some of the things that come to mind when dealing with it. thoughts, fears, emotions etc. 
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:iconcolbalt-rain:
colbalt-rain Featured By Owner Aug 17, 2014   Writer
I could still note you, if you'd like.
I haven't been on much at all this summer, but if you're still interested, I'm more than happy to share.
Reply
:iconmodified-rabbit:
Modified-Rabbit Featured By Owner Aug 17, 2014  Professional Traditional Artist
Sure  =]
And no problem.
Reply
:iconstichesbodybagttags:
stichesBodyBagTtags Featured By Owner Jul 3, 2014  Professional Photographer
this is so true ,they don't understand

“all teenagers have mood swings.”
    --

swings are fun
until you’re strapped down
and can’t leave

that part brought me to slight tears
Clap Huggle! 
Reply
:iconcolbalt-rain:
colbalt-rain Featured By Owner Jul 6, 2014   Writer
I was kinda surprised I came up with that. But thank you. :heart:
Reply
:iconsasarahsept:
sasarahsept Featured By Owner Jun 15, 2014  Hobbyist Artist
My favorite part is "'all teenagers have mood swings' swings are fun until you're strapped down and can't leave"
Reply
:iconcolbalt-rain:
colbalt-rain Featured By Owner Jun 18, 2014   Writer
Thank you!
Reply
:iconsasarahsept:
sasarahsept Featured By Owner Jun 20, 2014  Hobbyist Artist
You're welcome ^_^
Reply
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