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Submitted on
February 10
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after they diagnosed my father,
my mother told me,
if she had known,
she would have never had children.

it scares me to think that,
eventually,
one day i could hear a small voice saying,

“mommy, i don’t feel right.”
    --

“you don’t look sick,”
they say, noticing that i’m not dragging around
an i.v. stand.

noticing that my sweatshirt is black
and not a white hospital gown
swinging around marbled, knocking knees.

“but i’m still unwell,” i say
in a voice that doesn’t shake
and they just look disappointed,
like i don’t fit.

like i’m the skewed painting
on the fucked-up-person wall.
    --

“but,” they say, “don’t bipolar people
usually kill themselves?”

“but i tried,” i say
with my wrists unmarked
and they just shake their heads

almost as if to say
not hard enough.
    --

“poor girl,” they say, looking right at me,
sitting next to my dad as he laughs too loud.

they are the only ones who grimace
as they say,
“poor girl.
poor thing.

having to put up with that every day.”
    --

bipolar disorder,” my phys ed teacher/
my counselor/
my old friends/
spit, like the word is a pill
melting on their tongues.

“all teenagers have mood swings.”
    --

swings are fun
until you’re strapped down
and can’t leave.


until all you know of the world
is a bright, dizzying blur.
Mood swings are when you're moody due to hormonal changes and go through "phases."

Bipolar disorder is when you break down sobbing at four in the morning, or drive your parents' car through the garage, or have a panic attack in the middle of the day and run off school campus screaming, or get two hours of sleep and then write a concerto in another three. Bipolar disorder is a life-threatening illness that is not characterized by scars or your hair falling out or a small, quaking body - and its this invisibility that makes it so dangerous.

edit: Featured here!
edit: And here!
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:iconmodified-rabbit:
Modified-Rabbit Featured By Owner Jul 10, 2014  Professional Traditional Artist
Im working on a project and would like to hear more of what this is like for you. 
I want to do something with some music that shows more of what the victims of certain personality disorders go through, rather than focusing on how awful it seems to make said victim look like to others. 
If youd like to, feel free to note me as lengthy explanation as youd like about your experiences with this. 
Maybe some of the things that come to mind when dealing with it. thoughts, fears, emotions etc. 
Reply
:iconstichesbodybagttags:
stichesBodyBagTtags Featured By Owner Jul 3, 2014  Professional Photographer
this is so true ,they don't understand

“all teenagers have mood swings.”
    --

swings are fun
until you’re strapped down
and can’t leave

that part brought me to slight tears
Clap Huggle! 
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:iconcolbalt-rain:
colbalt-rain Featured By Owner Jul 6, 2014   Writer
I was kinda surprised I came up with that. But thank you. :heart:
Reply
:iconsasarahsept:
sasarahsept Featured By Owner Jun 15, 2014  Hobbyist Artist
My favorite part is "'all teenagers have mood swings' swings are fun until you're strapped down and can't leave"
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:iconcolbalt-rain:
colbalt-rain Featured By Owner Jun 18, 2014   Writer
Thank you!
Reply
:iconsasarahsept:
sasarahsept Featured By Owner Jun 20, 2014  Hobbyist Artist
You're welcome ^_^
Reply
:iconlillimarlene:
LilliMarlene Featured By Owner Jun 2, 2014
This is wonderful. Until we stamp out the stigma of an illness we cannot "see," it will be the story of "our kind."
Reply
:iconcolbalt-rain:
colbalt-rain Featured By Owner Jun 7, 2014   Writer
Absolutely.
I hate the idea that somebody needs to be the epitome of suffering to even warrant a scrap of sympathy. 
Reply
:iconcapricecake:
capricecake Featured By Owner May 24, 2014  Student Writer
sincerely, thank you for enlightening me.
:heart:
Reply
:iconcolbalt-rain:
colbalt-rain Featured By Owner May 25, 2014   Writer
It was my pleasure. 
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