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    You called it a whole other world. "It's a fortress," you tell me when we sit at the bay window, thrown wide open. The spider webs would cut thousands of crystal strokes under my windowsill in between rainy seasons, and each morning we'd sit out in the yard and I'd watch you sketch the dewdrops ebbed in the tiny satin tightropes. Your father hated them, but you wouldn't let him touch them. "Everything so geometric and miniature. It's amazing." The structure of my bones became geometric and miniature, too, so you could trace every line – sitting in that window, with the curtains billowing like butterfly wings.
      But I never noticed that you never noticed the butterflies.



-


    You called me your little fairy girl. "Little fairy girl," you tell me in the kitchen. My mother has just wed your father and I already like you. "Little fairy girl, so small and fragile." Couldn't you see it, Jeremy? Couldn't you see how I followed you like a moth would to flame? You plucked me from the vine and kept me in a vase of water. Add one to your collection.
      You collected small things, and I was stupid enough to shrink myself so I could fit.



-


    You called it our secret. You told me that stepbrothers and sisters weren't supposed to do this. "I can't," you say as I fold under the comforter. Your finger is on my wrist and you run the pad of thumb over the jutting bone. "We can't. You know that." Then you called me by that damning nickname, and I thought it was affection. You didn't have to reject me, Jeremy, but you did.
      I didn't have to be sick, but I was.



-


    You called me out on it. You pointed to the spaces between my thighs, at the sun filtering through like the slats of blinds. At the vertebrae stacked up my spine like rosary beads. "I'm okay," I say. I tell your father and my mother the same thing later. And even though you weren't asking if I was okay or not, you accepted it. They both did. And you, Jeremy.
      But that. That really was okay. I'd already accepted that you just didn't care enough.



-


    You called me a liar. You found the pills making a medicated knot in the pipes and you screamed over and over again, asking why, why do I do this. "I did it for you," I whisper. Everything was always for you, Jeremy. Everything. I just wanted to be the little fairy girl, with the crystal wings and the dress made of spider silk. I wanted to be small enough to be in your pocket and learn your secrets.
      I'd been dying to be thin, but nobody had the heart to tell me that now I was just dying.



-


    You called me a freak. There were no secrets left for you to tell when you finally told me what you thought of me. I was the only skeleton in your closet. But your words were a guillotine blade on my throat and you just kept slicing. "You're sick," you spit like a curse. "You need help." And with each step I take toward you, you fall back, farther away. You were an ocean wave, Jeremy, and I was the shore.
      Until I was the spider, and you were your father, crushing me under your thumb.



-


    You called your father. You sat out on the curb and lit a cigarette. You repeated all of my lies in a scream into your cell phone to him. And I sat up in window and just watched. "She's trying to kill herself," you yell, but only because you don't understand. The curtains were tossed in the breeze, like before; they weren't butterfly wings anymore. I wasn't a butterfly, all sinew and yarn like I was. I was still just a caterpillar, and they were the cocoon around me. I could never put enough between you and me to block out my lies, projected from your mouth across the whole neighborhood, though.
      You missed some. The biggest lies were the ones I told myself about you.



-


    You called it a fortress. Everything so geometric and miniature. The summer after you went off to school and I came back, I ripped every spider web out from under the windowsill. I plucked the legs off of the tarantulas before your father could find his broom. But I let the butterflies live. Cocoons grew along the gutters and we all emerged together when you came home for Thanksgiving. Not like you'd ever notice, Jeremy.
      And not like I'd ever mind either way.
not like you'd ever notice.

I spent too long watching the tarantula hawks in my backyard, and taught the mockingbird up on the wire how to mimic a telephone while I was writing this.

I wouldn't call this fiction. It could be anybody's story - even somebody you know. Learning to break free.
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:iconshehrozeameen:
shehrozeameen Featured By Owner Jan 10, 2014  Hobbyist Writer
I'll just put this on record by saying I liked this, I found nothing to critique, and I feel that the open-ended nature of this prose makes it a very intriguing read.

It could be anybody's story. Well done.
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:iconcolbalt-rain:
colbalt-rain Featured By Owner Jan 17, 2014   Writer
Thank you very much. :heart:
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:iconshehrozeameen:
shehrozeameen Featured By Owner Jan 17, 2014  Hobbyist Writer
Anytime. :) I featured this work for the literature roadtrip
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:iconcolbalt-rain:
colbalt-rain Featured By Owner Feb 11, 2014   Writer
I saw that. Thank so much for the honor. :D
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:iconshehrozeameen:
shehrozeameen Featured By Owner Feb 17, 2014  Hobbyist Writer
:)
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:iconsihx:
Sihx Featured By Owner Oct 16, 2013  Student Digital Artist
wow. This got my eyes tearing up. Its.... so beautiful ;___;   I love all of your writings !!! <3
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:iconcolbalt-rain:
colbalt-rain Featured By Owner Oct 18, 2013   Writer
Thank you so much!
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:iconinsomniarose:
InsomniaRose Featured By Owner Jul 1, 2012
Lovely :D
And haunting, in a way - seeing what we do to conform ourselves, trying to make ourselves a certain definition of what we consider 'beautiful'. It's frightening what lengths we will go to so that we may become "desirable"
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:iconcolbalt-rain:
colbalt-rain Featured By Owner Jul 1, 2012   Writer
Yay!
And yeah, I was hoping some of the readers caught what I was trying to convey in this. Glad you did, and thanks again for the fave/comment. Yours always make me happy. c:
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:iconrhi-raven97:
Rhi-Raven97 Featured By Owner Jun 29, 2012  Student Traditional Artist
have you ever read Wintergirls by Laurie Halse Anderson? she also wrote Speak... your story reminds me of her beautiful tact for words in that book, but i like the poetry aspect of it even better :)
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:iconcolbalt-rain:
colbalt-rain Featured By Owner Jun 29, 2012   Writer
Yes, I have, a while ago, and the crossing-out was actually more or less inspired by that story. And thank you, this is certainly one of my favorite pieces so far.
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:iconrhi-raven97:
Rhi-Raven97 Featured By Owner Jul 1, 2012  Student Traditional Artist
haha no problem and cool :)
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:iconstellaclaire:
stellaclaire Featured By Owner Jun 28, 2012  Hobbyist General Artist
Lovely story. This story should be viewed by millions. From the symbolisms to the development of the character. Beautiful, darling. :D
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:iconcolbalt-rain:
colbalt-rain Featured By Owner Jun 29, 2012   Writer
Guh, thank you so very, very much! :heart:
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:iconshawtymanex42:
shawtymanex42 Featured By Owner Jun 28, 2012
There were so many sentences in here, that were so haunting and beautiful, too many for me to even talk about because this comment would be huge... but, you are a truly amazing writer. I know I've said it before, but fuck it, I'll say it again, you are so talented. I could imagine the girl in this, how she looked what she was like and in the description when you said "It could be anybody's story- even somebody you know" and it clicked in my head, why this girl was so haunting and vivid, because she reminded me of somebody very close to me. I'm close to tears now, god damn you xD. But only you could create that emotion I feel and a character so god damn belivable and yet so unbelivable, you know?. All these pieces you've been posting lately, each one has become better and better and more real and excruciatingly powerful. And I'll probably still be thinking about this piece for days to come, it is amazing. Wow. Just wow. :hug: :heart:
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:iconcolbalt-rain:
colbalt-rain Featured By Owner Jun 28, 2012   Writer
I...I-I literally just physically flailed and uttered a squeal of delight after I read your comment. Seriously. Thank you so fucking much, that means a lot to me that you were that impressed by this.

Also, I apologize for making you cry.

I intentionally didn't name the girl for that purpose: to let the reader image whoever they wanted to in the place of a young woman completely captivated by a man she would never have, and striving to be his image of perfection while gradually losing herself. It's not an uncommon thing. But, once again, really, just...thank you. :heart: You just made my night.
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:iconshawtymanex42:
shawtymanex42 Featured By Owner Jun 29, 2012
Haha, no problem dude! it had to be said, I was literally speechless reading it! :heart:

Haha, it's ok, it feels okay to cry at such powerful stuff like this xD.

It is haunting it really is, the girl felt to lost and yet so determined. It was amazing. Truly.
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:iconcolbalt-rain:
colbalt-rain Featured By Owner Jun 29, 2012   Writer
Well that's good then, haha. I'm...very happy that you felt that way about this. Really. It means a lot to me!
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:iconshawtymanex42:
shawtymanex42 Featured By Owner Jun 30, 2012
Once again, no problem dude, it was a pleasure to read xDD
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:iconqueebi:
Queebi Featured By Owner Jun 28, 2012
This is a great theme to explore: superficially, wanting to conform to a certain thing because of what others think, and, more deeply, the seriousness of the impact someone's thoughts can have on you. Especially that it started off as innocent, at least to me. The evolution of the main character (the "I"), is very interesting, and I pictured her aging throughout the story. You're right, this could be anyone's story, and though perhaps the prose is a bit more extreme than some (and even then, I think it'd surprise us how common it actually is, maybe minus the sexual tension heh) I do agree that it's very relatable, very real.

This is, again, a very poetic piece of prose, and I really do think you pull it off. It's like you're great at both, and together, you create something really fantastic. A few things read oddly, you used 'window', though one is 'windowsill', in two sentences in a row, and there were also fragments scattered around, but I loved those. Heh. It really made the line more powerful.

I enjoy how you're able to create this kind of rhythm with prose. You did a great job and I enjoyed it.
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:iconcolbalt-rain:
colbalt-rain Featured By Owner Jun 28, 2012   Writer
Firstly, thank you for the long review. I seriously love them so.
Secondly, thank you for being honest with me. I realize I might've made a couple of mistakes, haha, but other than that, it seems it flowed pretty well. And I'm extremely glad you liked this so much. And thank you, once again, for your kind words; you're definitely one of my favorite people to read reviews from. Thanks for making me smile like an idiot. :D
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:iconqueebi:
Queebi Featured By Owner Jun 29, 2012
It's really my pleasure. You shouldn't be thanking me - thank you for sharing it with us! Heh. I'm glad I can make you smile, though! That's always good. cx
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:iconcolbalt-rain:
colbalt-rain Featured By Owner Jun 29, 2012   Writer
Well you're very welcome. I'm always happy to share my work with you all - especially when I get comments like this.
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:icondistortedreveries:
DistortedReveries Featured By Owner Jun 27, 2012  Hobbyist General Artist
Beautiful
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:iconcolbalt-rain:
colbalt-rain Featured By Owner Jun 28, 2012   Writer
Thank you very much.
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:iconadmiralannie:
admiralannie Featured By Owner Jun 27, 2012  Student Writer
I liked the beginning!
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:iconcolbalt-rain:
colbalt-rain Featured By Owner Jun 28, 2012   Writer
As did I. :)
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:iconadmiralannie:
admiralannie Featured By Owner Jul 1, 2012  Student Writer
like* not liked.. hehe.. woops
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:iconcolbalt-rain:
colbalt-rain Featured By Owner Jul 1, 2012   Writer
=P It's alright! But thanks again.
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