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:iconcolbalt-rain: More from colbalt-rain


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Literature by HazyDreamerNeko

Writing by SnowCoveredLoyalty


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July 30, 2013
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    i.


there’s a monster inside of my head.

it moved in four years ago, but they say it’s always been there. my daddy has one. so does his mom.

they say that’s where i got it. dad says grammy’s monster made her beat him until he was seven. dad says his monster made him drink until he blacked out, for twenty years.

they all say, “don’t let it in.” they all say, “it’ll control you, because you are weak.”

(actually, they say “vulnerable.”)

they tell me its name, so i can paint it on my wrists, on my forehead, along the curves of my ears. keep out. no BIPOLAR DISORDER allowed. they say it notices loud things. capital letters, for one. or crying children. or hatred. or fear.

they do not tell me what it’s like to see it. they do not tell me what’s it like, to feel it burrowing under your skin.

when it came to me, i pleaded with it. i said, “please go away,” and it didn’t listen.

but i never even opened the fucking door. it just let itself in. and it dried its feet, and it smiled, and it said

“i’ve been waiting for you forever.”



    ii.


viruses are very single-minded. they’re a very clean thing that make you very dirty.

they do not like lines. they do not barriers, or a dichotomy. they like consumption. unity.

they say my monster wants to devour me. but it doesn’t like my little round pills, that come in pink and white. it doesn’t like the physiatrists; it doesn’t like hospitals and lithium and the business card in my wallet, with the phone number that can save me if i feel wrong.

it tries to trick me, but only at night. it’s smart. it tells me things: it says, “you don’t need it.” it says, “you’re all better.” it takes my hands, and it says, “you can skip it today, and tomorrow. or forever.”

i’m an oak leaf, trembling on a branch, and my monster – it’s the ground; where i’ll land, when i fall. where i’m stepped on by careless feet, broken apart.

(maybe somebody will take my bones, and press them into the pages of a book. maybe they will label it crazy dead girl. i can only hope.)

because i’m icarus, and my monster – bipolar disorder, is the sea. waiting.

to swallow me up.
There came a point when Harry stopped trying to fight back, when the blows from the monster were too strong, too many, too fast, when he began begging the monster to stop.

Never invisible again”, the monster said, finally letting up, its huge branch-like fists curled tight as a clap of thunder.

It turned to Conor.

But there are worse things than being invisible”, it said.


– Patrick Ness, “A Monster Calls”


edit: Featured here!
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:icondailybreadcafe:
DailyBreadCafe Featured By Owner Apr 3, 2014   Writer
Hello! I'm here on behalf of :icongrammarnazicritiques:!

So, i found this a very interesting piece. I like the simplicity, although as a reader i found the dodgy paragraphing and lack of capital letters a bit annoying. 

I like the message portrayed in the first part, and at the end of the second part, but i think it sort of falls apart in the second part to be honest. It didn't gel very well for me. I failed to make the connection with the viruses, and it sort of confused me when i first started reading -- i mean, are you suggesting that bipolar is like a virus. Surely not...? 

You start to bring it back after that, but i'm sort of already gone. 
". where i’m stepped on by careless feet, broken apart.

(maybe somebody will take my bones, and press them into the pages of a book. maybe they will label it crazy dead girl. i can only hope.)"

This doesn't work for me either. I feel like you take us a way from the point, which really weakens that last line. 

"they do not tell me what’s it like" -- should be "what it's like"

"but i never " -- 
I don’t know why you need the word “but” here. “but” signifies opposition, and this sentence doesn’t oppose the previous one.


"physiatrists" -- do you mean psychiatrists? 

Apart from that, i thought the piece was really interesting. Well done, and keep up the writing!


Reply
:iconsyguy2013:
SyGuy2013 Featured By Owner Sep 3, 2013  Hobbyist General Artist
I have not yet read this, but I am faving it so that I can clean out my envelope as it is in the thousands. I will read this when I can. If I like it, I will keep it faved, and let you know.
Reply
:iconcolbalt-rain:
colbalt-rain Featured By Owner Sep 6, 2013   Writer
Alright. I look forward to what you have to say.
Reply
:iconsyguy2013:
SyGuy2013 Featured By Owner Apr 25, 2014  Hobbyist General Artist
I'm sorry that it took me so long to read this!

I enjoyed the imagery that this poem evoked in my mind. Even though I myself am not bipolar, I do agree that it is a 'monster', and that it feels like you're drowning. Last year I found out that someone in my life is bipolar.
Reply
:iconbananashroom:
bananashroom Featured By Owner Aug 30, 2013  Student General Artist
wow... that is a really powerfull poem.... just got goosebumps all over reading the end....
Reply
:iconcolbalt-rain:
colbalt-rain Featured By Owner Sep 3, 2013   Writer
Thank you. :heart:
Reply
:iconbananashroom:
bananashroom Featured By Owner Sep 3, 2013  Student General Artist
No problem :)
Reply
:iconshakes8:
shakes8 Featured By Owner Aug 14, 2013  Student General Artist
That is powerful piece, and it is gorgeous.
Reply
:iconcolbalt-rain:
colbalt-rain Featured By Owner Aug 14, 2013   Writer
Thank you. :love:
Reply
:iconshakes8:
shakes8 Featured By Owner Aug 15, 2013  Student General Artist
You're welcome!
Reply
:icongypsymel:
Gypsymel Featured By Owner Aug 10, 2013
Wow honey you really know how to smack a person inside their heart now don't you !.. Bravo on  yet another powerful piece of raw endearing and incredible talent that can take such a traditionally taboo topic (hate that ) and one that is so very personal and painful .. To bring it into the light like that, to make it so visceral and visible to the minds eye .. You are a great talent and one to watch. 
Yes captivating and enthralling. . . May you learn ways to tame your monster and keep it on a short but strong leash and if ever it gets loose you know the ways to call it back to heel again without harming your own sweet beautiful self. Xxx
Reply
:iconcolbalt-rain:
colbalt-rain Featured By Owner Aug 10, 2013   Writer
Many thanks. :love: That's incredibly kind of you.
Reply
:iconthatsparklystalker:
ThatSparklyStalker Featured By Owner Aug 7, 2013
Firstly the fact that you featured a quote from A Monster Calls makes me want to love you forever. And these lines: but i never even opened the fucking door. it just let itself in. and it dried its feet, and it smiled, and it said

“i’ve been waiting for you forever.”

well it gave me chills. Your monster..inspires the most amazing poetry from you. Thank you for that. For being in pain yet using that pain to speak out to others and help us know we are not alone in such beautiful words. You are a gift. Hope you know that.
Reply
:iconcolbalt-rain:
colbalt-rain Featured By Owner Aug 7, 2013   Writer
A Monster Calls is one of my favorites. The writing and artwork compliment each other better than my words can say. 

Thank you for your lovely comment and praise. :heart: They easily made my night.
Reply
:iconthatsparklystalker:
ThatSparklyStalker Featured By Owner Aug 9, 2013
I'm sorry my brain is in the gutter. Your reply almost had me falling out of the chair. xDD
Reply
:iconcolbalt-rain:
colbalt-rain Featured By Owner Aug 10, 2013   Writer
Good lord.
Reply
:iconthatsparklystalker:
ThatSparklyStalker Featured By Owner Aug 11, 2013
So..... *seductively bats eyes at laptop* I made your..night? *sexy potato pose* 1313 
Reply
:iconmynaophelia:
MynaOphelia Featured By Owner Aug 3, 2013
Just... wow. I don't have BP but I have another condition and just I can really relate to this and just wow. This is an amazing yet brutally honest poem.
Reply
:iconcolbalt-rain:
colbalt-rain Featured By Owner Aug 3, 2013   Writer
:love: Thank you.
Reply
:icontgiba:
TGIBA Featured By Owner Aug 2, 2013  Hobbyist General Artist
Again... Another incredible piece. I envy your talent with words!!!!

Knowing what it is like to live with people who have this, to know that it might come to visit me too one day, this is another piece that strikes a personal chord with me. 

And isn't that the writing we all like best? The writing we as humans can relate to? :heart:

Please continue your amazing work!!!! :heart:

Also- That book sounds really good. I might have to read it; after I finish the series I am currently hooked on that is. :)
Reply
:iconcolbalt-rain:
colbalt-rain Featured By Owner Aug 3, 2013   Writer
Of course. :heart: Also, writing that inspires and influences.

And I promise I will. I have another poem I'm be putting up soon.
Reply
:icontgiba:
TGIBA Featured By Owner Aug 8, 2013  Hobbyist General Artist
Oh good!! I'm looking forward to it; I'll keep my eyes peeled. :)

And definitely- Inspirational writing is something everyone needs to read; It helps us see the brighter side of life even when we're  shrouded in the dark. 
Reply
:icondreamsinstatic:
dreamsinstatic Featured By Owner Aug 2, 2013
Your fantastic work has been featured in Friday Night Features.
Reply
:iconcolbalt-rain:
colbalt-rain Featured By Owner Aug 2, 2013   Writer
Thank you! :love:
Reply
:iconovertsexualized:
overtsexualized Featured By Owner Aug 2, 2013  Hobbyist Writer
I always appreciate when people can describe the way their thoughts are being formed in their head and what that means for them, it's a wonderful talent. You have it.
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:iconcolbalt-rain:
colbalt-rain Featured By Owner Aug 2, 2013   Writer
Wow, thank you. :blush: That's awfully kind of you.
Reply
:icondirtydancerforlife:
dirtydancerforlife Featured By Owner Aug 1, 2013  Student Writer
This is the second thing you wrote that I read in the last 3 minutes and...I like it. Actually,I love it. I have OCD (obsessive-compulsive disorder) and I can relate to this. Honestly, I guess most of the artists have some kind of disorder,that's what makes us different,I guess...
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:iconcolbalt-rain:
colbalt-rain Featured By Owner Aug 2, 2013   Writer
Thank you. :D

I've read a few books on mood disorders and how they link to creativity; the likes of Poe, Hemingway, Sylvia Plath, Virginia Woolf, and David Foster Wallace had them. It's a pretty steep price to pay, though - emotional problems for the sake of good art.
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:iconsmadams:
SMAdams Featured By Owner Jul 31, 2013  Hobbyist Writer
Quite the read, and something I can definitely relate to on a deep personal level. A great capture of something often so hard to describe without sounding...cliché. I applaud. :heart:
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:iconcolbalt-rain:
colbalt-rain Featured By Owner Jul 31, 2013   Writer
Thank you, that's very kind of you. :)
Reply
:iconsmadams:
SMAdams Featured By Owner Aug 1, 2013  Hobbyist Writer
My pleasure. :)
Reply
:iconnakushitaichi13:
nakushitaichi13 Featured By Owner Jul 31, 2013  Hobbyist General Artist
Makes me feel like I've been let in on a private fight between people deeply interconnected. Mental battles are always lovely if not deadly.
Reply
:iconcolbalt-rain:
colbalt-rain Featured By Owner Jul 31, 2013   Writer
I'm glad I could provide you that. And to be honest, bipolar disorder (in the word's of my psychiatrist) is when "your moods control you, rather than the other way around." We literally fight our own bodies.
Reply
:iconnakushitaichi13:
nakushitaichi13 Featured By Owner Aug 1, 2013  Hobbyist General Artist
The only way I can relate is chemical imbalance that either means quick to anger or quick to depression and in the line of my mother's side, more than a few females have been entered into a hospital for it with signs on suicidal. That just makes it sound like emotions entirely though. 
Reply
:iconallkillernofiller:
AllKillerNoFiller Featured By Owner Jul 31, 2013  Hobbyist Writer
Very moving piece. I love the rhyme scheme, and none of the rhymes ever feel forced. Overall wonderful work, amazing job!
Reply
:iconcolbalt-rain:
colbalt-rain Featured By Owner Jul 31, 2013   Writer
Thank you! :love:
Reply
:iconkhazda:
KhazDA Featured By Owner Jul 31, 2013  Hobbyist Writer
Ever the incredibly well written piece by you. Well done.
Reply
:iconcolbalt-rain:
colbalt-rain Featured By Owner Jul 31, 2013   Writer
Thank you!
Reply
:iconpfgoldfish13:
pfgoldfish13 Featured By Owner Jul 31, 2013  Hobbyist General Artist
There's something about your style of writing here that's so captivating.  A job very well done.
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:iconcolbalt-rain:
colbalt-rain Featured By Owner Jul 31, 2013   Writer
Thank you so much.
Reply
:iconkagehahen:
Kagehahen Featured By Owner Jul 31, 2013
There's always something powerful about a revealing perspective in literary form.  Most people don't understand mental illness or how the person possessing it feels or experiences.  Literature gets us one step closer.  Good literature can frighten us, but demands we respect what we've read and the situation it concerns.  The reader takes it seriously because it had the voice to demand it.  You managed to take an enigma and open it up in some pretty frightening terms, first from the point of view of a child with limited understanding about a monster, to an adult dealing with the devil.  The allegory is poetic, but the point is hard core.  By the end, we're on the edge, frightened, because now we're there - and then we're not - and the subject is once again outside us - but by the grace of god - which is probably the most disturbing thought of all.  Nicely done.
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:iconcolbalt-rain:
colbalt-rain Featured By Owner Jul 31, 2013   Writer
Wow. Thank you very much for that, I really appreciate your praise. It means a lot. :love:
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:iconsilencedbook9:
Silencedbook9 Featured By Owner Jul 31, 2013  Student Writer
Need a hug? 
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:iconnofxmike06:
nofxmike06 Featured By Owner Jul 31, 2013  Hobbyist Interface Designer
Great work. 
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:iconcolbalt-rain:
colbalt-rain Featured By Owner Jul 31, 2013   Writer
Thank you.
Reply
:iconnofxmike06:
nofxmike06 Featured By Owner Aug 1, 2013  Hobbyist Interface Designer
Always.
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:iconamanda0207:
amanda0207 Featured By Owner Jul 31, 2013  Professional Digital Artist
As everyone else says, you are not alone. In fact, you should check out a very interesting read about creativity and bipolar disorder. I also have bipolar and it was interesting to see that other creative minds like myself have such a disorder. 

The book is called "Touched by fire" www.abebooks.com/Touched-Fire-…
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:iconcolbalt-rain:
colbalt-rain Featured By Owner Jul 31, 2013   Writer
I've actually read it. It's a great read. :heart: There's also a book about depression and creativity; I can't remember the title for the life of me (my therapist loaned it to me,) but it's astoundingly good and insightful.
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:iconsugapiessofly:
sugapiessofly Featured By Owner Jul 31, 2013  Student General Artist
Really sickeningly great, and I think it's nice because a lot of these feelings can relate back to other people suffering different mental disorders as well, so I can read this and relate it to my depression because it's just all consuming in this manner. The relatability is a really good factor.
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:iconcolbalt-rain:
colbalt-rain Featured By Owner Jul 31, 2013   Writer
Thank you. I'm happy to hear you could relate. Though I'm sorry, as well, for your depression. I hope you're doing well. :heart:
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