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Written Works by AdilaRain


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Submitted on
August 15, 2013
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1.


i’ll be honest with you;
there is a certain authority to being
a writer.

somebody said once that writers struggle with reality
because we spend all of our time
constructing our own.

the truth is, life may be impermanent
but the details are not.
time has one direction
the past cannot be revisited
and history cannot be redone
with a red pen.

what happens, happens.

we are walking permanent records
that can never be expunged.
no matter how many orphans we pull from fires
no matter how many dying children we sing to
we still made our mother cry once
we still let our little brothers find us passed out
on the front porch when we were nineteen.

imagination is our primary retreat
because there, that boy does fall in love with us
and our first kiss is not spit on our chins
or misses landing on our nose
(maybe there are waves crashing in the background)
and we say everything right.
there, we have crafted a version of ourselves
that lives perfectly.

“if i could,” someone says.
“if i could i would change this.”

if i could do it over again.

if i could.

(and see, i don’t like that phrase.
it’s nice to dream
but prolonging it only makes it harder
to eventually wake up.)


2.


when i was twelve, i had a recurring nightmare
i’d get trapped in an elevator shaft
and that i’d scream for my parents.

years later, there is a part of my brain that is still
in that dream, screaming

and i guess
i don’t have the right to tell you that the door to the past
is firmly shut
because i’m still struggling to accept that
there was a time, once,
i was really calling for them

and there was no answer.


3.


let’s suppose i had a way of changing this.
if i could.

and if i could, i would answer myself.

i would take the tiny hands of a twelve year old
with bright eyes into mine and i would tell her
to be her own hero.
i would say, “keep a sword on your key chain
and when that boy in the eighth grade touches you,
punch him in the fucking face.”

i wouldn’t have the guts to tell her that she'd have to be,
because the people sworn to protect her
simply wouldn't.

i wouldn’t have the strength to admit that, eventually,
the corner in our mind would tire and that part of us,
begging for contact, would die,
energy gone,
door to the past now
quietly clicking shut.


4.


if i could
i would change my illness.

they say there is a definitive link between bipolar disorder
and creativity and

my therapist says that, because of it, on occasion,
i write nice things and

my friends say that at least, something so horrible
has given me a gift and

my brain whispers quietly, in my ear, i’m here to stay
and

timothy chang, the boy who triggered it back in middle school, said
that i should feel blessed he almost assaulted me because
who in their right mind would ever touch somebody so ugly?

here’s what i say:
if there was a choice between feeling normal and,
on occasion, writing pretty poems,
in the spirit of timothy himself,
i would erase this fucking disease forever
and i would not look back.


5.


if i could
i would remove the lump that sat in my throat
so i could have told my mother what was wrong
each and every time
she asked.


6.


if i could
i would wrap my body in police tape.
i would cut my wrists beyond recognition.
i would flatten my curves down with tape.
i would let ugliness consume me like a disease

and i would take away every man’s excuse to yell out a car window,
hey honey, wanna suck my dick?


7.


a few days ago i asked my dad what he would change
if he could do it over

and he said
he wouldn’t have become an alcoholic.
(believe me, i’d like that the best.)

then he said that he wouldn’t have divorced my mother
because he felt like so much hadn’t been resolved
between them
and i cannot even fucking describe
what hearing that felt like.

my father’s footsteps were clearly plotted out to me then
and i do not intend to follow in them.

it brings me to tears even imagining a life
where the biggest mistake i ever made can stare me in the face,
telling me it’s my weekend with our daughter
while kissing my replacement
on the cheek.


8.


life does not have an edit function
or a backspace button.

life moves forward and sometimes
we can’t keep up.
this is where “it’s not the end of the world”
comes in and that’s what’s so fucking hard

life will go on, without you
even if there are days you just can’t hold on.

your script will smudge, your story will be imperfect,
mistakes you can’t erase and i’ll tell you,
i can hardly stand to think “if i could” because

there is something much too painful about
hoping.
"If" is one of the biggest words in the English language, and it only has two letters.
Add a Comment:
 
:iconxxemi-angel-chanxx:
xxEmi-AnGeL-chanxx Featured By Owner Aug 12, 2014  Hobbyist Writer
Hi, I'm here from Grammar Nazi Critiques!

Firstly I want to say that I really like this poem, it's so pretty and it covers a great concept. Writing is such a great form of escapism, but we do need to be careful to not go too far, after all, our past is what shapes us into the person we are today.

I like this bit especially, "we are walking permanent records
that can never be expunged." but then there are so many good bits, like when she holds her twelve year old self's hands...

It is VERY long for a poem though, and there seem to be two poetic ideas intertwined with this poem... there's the "what if" and losing yourself in dreams strain, and then there's a whole new theme of sexual abuse/mistreatment/sexism... which I'm not entirely sure contributes much to the main poetic stem. Part 6 sort of comes out of no where as well and is quite a harsh contrast to the feeling of the rest of the poem. I don't think the harsh language completely fits?

I really like the end of verse 7 and the whole of verse 8 "life does not have an edit function", so true!

Overall I think this is a really great piece, incredibly resonant and reflects what many people face in today's society.

Please remember that all of the above is just my personal opinion and ultimately it is your personal satisfaction with your art that matters most :) good luck in your future writing!
Reply
:icondailybreadcafe:
DailyBreadCafe Featured By Owner Feb 27, 2014   Writer
Beautiful poem! 
Reply
:iconcolbalt-rain:
colbalt-rain Featured By Owner Mar 5, 2014   Writer
Thank you so much. :heart:
Reply
:iconstreetcamera17:
streetcamera17 Featured By Owner Feb 25, 2014  Hobbyist Writer
All I can say is that this is amazing and gut-wrenching to the point of absolutely brilliant. It runs so personal and so raw that you can't help but be drawn in and mentally live out the lives (yes, liveS because you're that bloody fucking good that I felt a whole universe in your words.) that've been immortalized in between these lines.

Just really great, man. Really good. I'm absolutely impressed. :thumbsup: revamp 
Reply
:iconcolbalt-rain:
colbalt-rain Featured By Owner Feb 26, 2014   Writer
:la: Thank you so much! That's so sweet of you to say. 
Reply
:iconindecentseas:
InDecentSeas Featured By Owner Sep 19, 2013  Hobbyist Writer
First of all, if this is as personal as it seems, then thank you for spilling your guts. It is striking, moving, beautiful, tragic... it is a fantastic piece.
If this is a fiction piece or written through the eyes of someone else, it makes it no less fantastic, and I would still thank you for writing such awesome words for me to ingest. 

I enjoyed every second of reading this. No Regrets is the name of the tattoo parlor I frequent since I started working on my sleeve a few years back. I want so bad to take that tired phrase to heart in everyday life, but it is simply impossible for me. I'd love to die like every other fictional character that mutters, "I regret nothing." However, that would make me a liar, and I wouldn't have learned nearly enough lessons at my age if that were true. Hoping can be painful in a sense, but without certain hope we wither. That is something I refuse to do, as should you.

On another topic, did you consider using "wishing" for the last line?
Reply
:iconcolbalt-rain:
colbalt-rain Featured By Owner Sep 20, 2013   Writer
I actually did not consider using "wishing." But I could edit it.
And yes, this is all true. :) I'm happy to hear you liked it as much as you did.
Reply
:iconidknotish808:
idknotish808 Featured By Owner Sep 11, 2013  Student
You're such an amazing poet--ur really good at turning emotions into art like this.
just reading through the comments proves to me that you touched so many people and probably helped them get in touch with their feelings, too....
this was so beautiful.
Reply
:iconcolbalt-rain:
colbalt-rain Featured By Owner Sep 20, 2013   Writer
Thank you so much! :D
Reply
:iconunfuck-the-world:
Unfuck-the-World Featured By Owner Aug 25, 2013  Student Writer
I'm speechless
I want to curl up and cry
But then I want to give you so much praise
It's so emotionally fluent...
Ugh ;~;
Reply
:iconcolbalt-rain:
colbalt-rain Featured By Owner Aug 28, 2013   Writer
:iconsadhugplz: I'm sorry.
Reply
:iconavalanchepark:
avalanchepark Featured By Owner Aug 24, 2013
"I'm not sure if I love or hate reading your poetry."

"... This is true, and beautifully written, and yet I hate it with a passion."

these two comments bound my own feelings - I hate thinking and feeling these things but the writing is so compelling and so economical I can't look away and I can bear the burden to continue.

The world is so full of pain I close myself off from it and live in imagination and distraction , blessed with a life of my own that spares me and makes it possible to hide away. Normally I would look away .

I love and hate your poetry - if only the writing wasn't so good.....
Reply
:iconcolbalt-rain:
colbalt-rain Featured By Owner Aug 28, 2013   Writer
:love: That's actually quite sweet of you. And sometimes I hate to write it. I've often made myself cry whilst writing.
Reply
:iconsvenspade09:
svenspade09 Featured By Owner Aug 20, 2013
"If,"....if the world could change, if life could be better, if dreams came true; life would be so much better. Our diseases our failures and accomplishments are what make us who and what we are beautiful and ugly but I believe to change even one thing would mean to lose everything we have left though right or wrong I fought to hard for what I have now to give up what's left stay strong my friend
Reply
:iconcolbalt-rain:
colbalt-rain Featured By Owner Aug 20, 2013   Writer
That I can agree with. <3
Reply
:iconpoisonpenpresents:
PoisonPenPresents Featured By Owner Aug 19, 2013  Hobbyist General Artist
Beautiful poem. I can feel emotion pulsing from every word.
The sad thing is that pain can be the greatest inspiration in the world.
Reply
:iconcolbalt-rain:
colbalt-rain Featured By Owner Aug 20, 2013   Writer
The sad thing is that pain can be the greatest inspiration in the world.
And perhaps there is no greater pain than that.
Reply
:iconpoisonpenpresents:
PoisonPenPresents Featured By Owner Aug 21, 2013  Hobbyist General Artist
True story. 
Reply
:icongoldennocturna:
GoldenNocturna Featured By Owner Aug 19, 2013  Student Writer
This was very deep and very real. I always have 'if I could' replaying in my head, sometimes for things that aren't even my fault.
Reply
:iconcolbalt-rain:
colbalt-rain Featured By Owner Aug 20, 2013   Writer
:heart: It's alright. I'm guilty of constantly focusing on has-beens, to be honest. 
Reply
:icongoldennocturna:
GoldenNocturna Featured By Owner Aug 21, 2013  Student Writer
Well, at least I'm not alone, then.
Reply
:icondetoxingdeath:
DetoxingDeath Featured By Owner Aug 19, 2013
Wow. Everything.
Reply
:iconcolbalt-rain:
colbalt-rain Featured By Owner Aug 20, 2013   Writer
Thank you.
Reply
:iconetsu-s:
Etsu-S Featured By Owner Aug 18, 2013
I felt like...this was for me..."if I could" is one of the things I think all the time..
Reply
:iconcolbalt-rain:
colbalt-rain Featured By Owner Aug 19, 2013   Writer
As do I, to be honest. :forgiveme:
Reply
:iconetsu-s:
Etsu-S Featured By Owner Aug 19, 2013
most people must be thinking about it right now xD
Reply
:iconladyjart:
ladyjart Featured By Owner Aug 18, 2013  Hobbyist Traditional Artist
Nicely written....You have talent..keep writing..:)
Reply
:iconcolbalt-rain:
colbalt-rain Featured By Owner Aug 19, 2013   Writer
Thank you. :heart:
Reply
:iconfilledwithdejection:
FilledWithDejection Featured By Owner Aug 17, 2013
Few are able to produce art like this
Reply
:iconcolbalt-rain:
colbalt-rain Featured By Owner Aug 17, 2013   Writer
:blush: That's kind beyond words.
Reply
:icontokikomosoto:
tokikomosoto Featured By Owner Aug 17, 2013  Hobbyist General Artist
i want to cry. but i wont. this piece in itself has drawn out a hope in me. that with all the mistakes i feel like ive made recently....i wont always feel this way. they will haunt me everyday for a while. but i have a dream. dreams. i hope they are at least stronger than my mistakes. thank you. so much.
Reply
:iconcolbalt-rain:
colbalt-rain Featured By Owner Aug 17, 2013   Writer
:heart: It was my pleasure.
Reply
:iconnixiecole:
NixieCole Featured By Owner Aug 16, 2013
The(se) poem(s) are powerful, capturing the loss and story of cause and effect within thought, while also being a writer which captures being human, (and female and beautiful) threading the bipolar aspects and aspects of life every one can understand together and separate. Wonderfully done.
Reply
:iconcolbalt-rain:
colbalt-rain Featured By Owner Aug 17, 2013   Writer
Thank you very much!
Reply
:iconnakushitaichi13:
nakushitaichi13 Featured By Owner Aug 16, 2013  Hobbyist General Artist
Memory lane with the darker sets where you wish at some points in time to rip out your heart and hand it off to that sick jerkoff and say "Here you go, you can have it. I don't need it anymore."
Reply
:iconcolbalt-rain:
colbalt-rain Featured By Owner Aug 17, 2013   Writer
Really? I'd do the opposite; I'd hoard it, let them know that it's the one thing they couldn't take from me. Even if everything else is missing.
Reply
:iconnakushitaichi13:
nakushitaichi13 Featured By Owner Aug 17, 2013  Hobbyist General Artist
Perhaps then it's that perception some people reach when they can't possibly care enough to even try. They rather to be rid of it or maybe the emotional cuts bled out what love they had for themselves. It's hard to keep anything for yourself when you don't care for yourself. I would enjoy their reaction when they come to that realization that it doesn't mean anything to me, that they're not taking anything precious from me and that they never will.
Reply
:iconsquiddy-chan:
Squiddy-chan Featured By Owner Aug 16, 2013
Stunning. That moved me so much. So many incredible things come out of your brain. Thank you.
Reply
:iconcolbalt-rain:
colbalt-rain Featured By Owner Aug 17, 2013   Writer
:meow: Thank you, as well. 
Reply
:iconsquiddy-chan:
Squiddy-chan Featured By Owner Aug 19, 2013
You're most welcome. :3
Reply
:iconfugitivef:
fugitivef Featured By Owner Aug 16, 2013
Clap 
Reply
:iconcolbalt-rain:
colbalt-rain Featured By Owner Aug 17, 2013   Writer
:bow:
Reply
:iconjessicatruesong:
JessicaTruesong Featured By Owner Aug 15, 2013  Hobbyist Writer
I just have to say...your writing makes me realize a lot of truth in life. You are very wise and very strong and I admire that. Keep writing :)
Reply
:iconcolbalt-rain:
colbalt-rain Featured By Owner Aug 17, 2013   Writer
Thank you. :D I promise I will.
Reply
:iconbluediamondsnow:
BlueDiamondSnow Featured By Owner Aug 15, 2013  Hobbyist General Artist
I am completely blown away by the vulnerable, beautiful, raw honesty of this. The total brilliance of the thing. I literally treasure this poem. It tells my story with yours. It mixes my pain with yours. It relieves my crazed soul. Thank you. Truly. 
Reply
:iconcolbalt-rain:
colbalt-rain Featured By Owner Aug 17, 2013   Writer
That's so sweet. :heart: Thank you so very much.
Reply
:iconpatrikia-bear:
Patrikia-Bear Featured By Owner Aug 15, 2013  Hobbyist General Artist
Holy. Shit.

You got it right on the head.
Reply
:iconcolbalt-rain:
colbalt-rain Featured By Owner Aug 17, 2013   Writer
Thank you. :)
Reply
:iconcielrulez:
CielRulez Featured By Owner Aug 15, 2013  Hobbyist General Artist
This made me cry! Absolutely beautiful, not to mention true!
Reply
:iconcolbalt-rain:
colbalt-rain Featured By Owner Aug 17, 2013   Writer
Thank you! :D
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