Shop Mobile More Submit  Join Login
something went wrong around the eighth grade, when those mean boys followed you home, when they cornered you in an alley and pulled your hair out of its braid and told you to get on your knees because one boy had never gotten a blowjob before.

nothing happened. you got away; horrified and shaking, but you did. it was after.

when everything happened.

used to be, you’d cry when you scraped your knees, and you'd let people finish their sentences before thoughtfully adding your own – but that was before, before those boys knocked something loose in you, because now it's a cycle of not stopping. you can't stop talking or thinking, thinking all these big, bold thoughts that can take you away, that can surround you like a deep, dark tunnel, you can't stop eating because girls are supposed to smile and sometimes eating fills that emptiness inside of you, just for a minute, but then you can't stop starving because there's no time to eat, because you can't stop, and this constant motion, it's wearing you raggedly thin.

somebody notices, at last, but it's three years later. it's too late. you've already fucked a boy who didn't know your last name. you've already taken that first sip of alcohol. you've already thought about killing yourself. you've already experienced a sadness so profound that when you looked in the mirror, it cast a shadow over you.

it gets harder, and you go to them for help, but they just say "why are you crying?" in the big, mean, grown-up voice that means they're tired of this already, because that's the fourth time this week.

and you want to tell them, because you are dying, goddamnit, your parents don't understand, why you want to live inside the sun then crawl into a hole the week after, why you don't sleep and why you don't want to get up, why you ran away that day or why you've scratched until you bled or why you hit that girl in history across the head with a textbook after she called you crazy or why you got so excited you drove their car through the garage door.

they remember who their daughter was – the small, energetic version of her, who wrote stories about talking animals, the one who smiled when she was happy and only cried during sad movies, and you're not that girl anymore, and they wonder, who you are and more importantly, what you are? because normal people don't do this; normal people don't tear families apart. normal people don’t scream "i'm sick, i'm sick!" when everybody is already done listening, because for christ’s sake katie, you're not sick, you just want attention, you're nothing but a moody teenager.

so you tell no one. you say “i don't know" and they say "well, stop it." because you at least owe them that. you at least owe them to be normal.

but normal doesn't fit you, no matter how hard they mend it and take it in and exchange it for a bigger size. normal will never fit again.

no matter how much you wish it did.
"Normal" has six letters.
So does "insane."

"I need help" has three words.
So does "You're not sick."

In this room I was born. And I knew I was in the wrong place: the world. I knew pain was to come. I knew it by the persistence of the blade that cut me out. I knew it as every baby born to the world knows it: I came here to die.

– Arkaye Kierulf, “Spaces”



From a journal I wrote this summer. Made some adjustments. The original author's note + quote above were attached to the sta.sh upload, and I think I'll keep them. :love:

KATIE STOP UPLOADING THINGS SO ERRATICALLY I swear I'll make sense of things eventually. In the mean time, enjoy my random, WTF-y submissions!
Add a Comment:
 
:iconkallyjean96:
KallyJean96 Featured By Owner Apr 27, 2014
Being normal is abnormal. There is no average person in reality, only in theory. Just like the average of four and twelve and thirty-two is sixteen, even when there was no sixteen in the first place. I don't ever, ever want to be what is supposed to be normal, but I wouldn't want to be that, either.
Reply
:iconwriterofthesky55:
WriterOfTheSky55 Featured By Owner Apr 22, 2014  Hobbyist General Artist
I love your writing Hug 
This totally reminds me of www.youtube.com/watch?v=updoMI…
I have a song for anything XD
Reply
:iconcolbalt-rain:
colbalt-rain Featured By Owner May 3, 2014   Writer
Thank you. :huggle:
Reply
:iconvallestin:
Vallestin Featured By Owner Mar 2, 2014  Hobbyist Writer
Who wants to be normal? Whayyyyy to boring, I love this.
Reply
:iconlybysilsa:
lybysilsa Featured By Owner Feb 16, 2014  Hobbyist General Artist
"Normal" is a setting on a washer machine.
Reply
:iconfireeater989:
FireEater989 Featured By Owner Feb 16, 2014  Hobbyist
O.O
So.... INTENSE. Beautifully written.
Reply
:iconcolbalt-rain:
colbalt-rain Featured By Owner Feb 16, 2014   Writer
Thank you! :D
Reply
:iconzazzine:
Zazzine Featured By Owner Feb 11, 2014  Hobbyist General Artist
This poem makes me frustrated. Did your parents finally understand? Are you better now?
Reply
:iconcolbalt-rain:
colbalt-rain Featured By Owner Feb 11, 2014   Writer
I am better now. And they do understand, to a degree. Everything's good right now, I promise. <3
Reply
:iconzazzine:
Zazzine Featured By Owner Feb 11, 2014  Hobbyist General Artist
Oh good
Reply
:iconzazzine:
Zazzine Featured By Owner Feb 11, 2014  Hobbyist General Artist
;_;
Reply
:iconmudstrike:
Mudstrike Featured By Owner Feb 11, 2014
...



P.E.R.F.E.C.T.I.O.N.
Reply
:iconcolbalt-rain:
colbalt-rain Featured By Owner Feb 11, 2014   Writer
Thank you!
Reply
:iconimperfect-parachute:
imperfect-parachute Featured By Owner Feb 6, 2014  Student Writer
This is so powerfully written. Every single word is just perfectly placed. It has such a great impact. I love it.
Reply
:iconcolbalt-rain:
colbalt-rain Featured By Owner Feb 7, 2014   Writer
Thank you! :love:
Reply
:iconimperfect-parachute:
imperfect-parachute Featured By Owner Feb 12, 2014  Student Writer
You're welcome =)
Reply
:iconbringmebacktolife01:
bringmebacktolife01 Featured By Owner Dec 19, 2013  Student General Artist
I like it. Reminds me a bit of what I'm going through. If only we were able to be normal. It's do anything for it.
Reply
:iconcolbalt-rain:
colbalt-rain Featured By Owner Dec 28, 2013   Writer
I understand the feeling. I don't like accepting my illness, but I have to. Because there's nothing else I can do.
Reply
:iconsideways-saint:
sideways-saint Featured By Owner Nov 18, 2013  Hobbyist General Artist
Incredibly powerful!! Your word choice and phrasing is so unique and gripping! 
Reply
:iconcolbalt-rain:
colbalt-rain Featured By Owner Nov 23, 2013   Writer
Thank you! :love:
Reply
:iconsouleaterlover78:
souleaterlover78 Featured By Owner Nov 3, 2013  Hobbyist General Artist
Me in a nutshell. Take a look at my newest deviatation for proof
Reply
:iconthemoodybear:
TheMoodyBear Featured By Owner Oct 29, 2013  Hobbyist Writer

Oh my goodness, the power behind your words is so intense and relatable. The words are phrased as if someone might actually be describing something, which makes it all the more realistic.

Also, I think that a masterpiece like this is especially spectacular because everybody can find a little piece of themselves in it.

Great job!

 

Reply
:iconcolbalt-rain:
colbalt-rain Featured By Owner Nov 1, 2013   Writer
Thank you so much!
This is going to sound silly, but I'm relieved that so many people can relate. Both relieved, and sad - sad because nobody should have to experience such pain, but relieved so many of us understand one another on this intimate level and can comfort one another.
Reply
:iconhopeadreki:
HopeaDreki Featured By Owner Feb 17, 2014
*hug

dont worry there is always good things in life

I can relate slightly - whenever im upset I shut down, I cannot move, I cannot talk, sometimes I can barely breathe. When my parents yell at me, I go into this mode, and they yell more because they can never understand. They keep seeing the "perfect" girl they want, the one that loves birds and dragons and trees and love to converse with everyone and not the one who stays up all night and locks herself in her room and cries for hours. At one point, I  literally hung on to life by a couple of my greatest friends, and my 5 birds. Keep up hope. Never give up on what you have, because there is always a worse waiting for you if you give up.
Reply
:iconarietzor:
Arietzor Featured By Owner Oct 13, 2013  Hobbyist General Artist
thanks for the inspiration...
Reply
:iconcolbalt-rain:
colbalt-rain Featured By Owner Oct 18, 2013   Writer
No problem!
Reply
:iconpatternvsuser:
PatternVSUser Featured By Owner Oct 12, 2013  Hobbyist Writer
Your writing is quotable as hell.

I'm glad you put this in the art section, because this is its rightful place. It's amazing, and powerful, and unsettling to know such things exist.

But you have to speak out.
Reply
:iconcolbalt-rain:
colbalt-rain Featured By Owner Oct 18, 2013   Writer
I wrote it long ago, but something about it has stuck with me.
And thank you very much for your kind words. :heart:
Reply
:iconinfinitemirror:
InfiniteMirror Featured By Owner Oct 11, 2013

Who the hell was that person that noticed?

 

And is this an auto-biography?

Reply
:iconcolbalt-rain:
colbalt-rain Featured By Owner Oct 18, 2013   Writer
It is, yes, and my parents noticed.
Reply
:iconinfinitemirror:
InfiniteMirror Featured By Owner Oct 20, 2013

My sympathies.

 

I was hoping it would be a special boy.

Reply
:iconinfinitemirror:
InfiniteMirror Featured By Owner Oct 11, 2013

derp

Reply
:iconinfinitemirror:
InfiniteMirror Featured By Owner Oct 11, 2013
derp
Reply
:iconinfinitemirror:
InfiniteMirror Featured By Owner Oct 11, 2013
derp
Reply
:iconinfinitemirror:
InfiniteMirror Featured By Owner Oct 11, 2013
derp
Reply
:iconinfinitemirror:
InfiniteMirror Featured By Owner Oct 11, 2013
derp
Reply
:iconinfinitemirror:
InfiniteMirror Featured By Owner Oct 11, 2013
derp
Reply
:iconinfinitemirror:
InfiniteMirror Featured By Owner Oct 11, 2013
derp
Reply
(1 Reply)
:iconteddybear-tough:
TeddyBear-Tough Featured By Owner Oct 9, 2013
This is so beautifully done, I was almost crying when I read it. All the emotion and truth I can relate to. Thank you for writing this.
Reply
:iconcolbalt-rain:
colbalt-rain Featured By Owner Oct 18, 2013   Writer
Thank you for reading it. :heart:
Reply
:iconlawlessness45:
Lawlessness45 Featured By Owner Oct 8, 2013  Hobbyist Writer
This is horribly beautiful. It made me feel... Known and understood. Not so terribly out of wack. Gave me comfort to know there are other "crazy" people in the world.
Reply
:iconcolbalt-rain:
colbalt-rain Featured By Owner Oct 8, 2013   Writer
Sometimes it takes a lot to put into words what it's like to be living just beyond the fringe of what is considered normal. 
And thank you. :iconsadhugplz:
Reply
:iconinnoctemn:
innoctemn Featured By Owner Oct 7, 2013

This was just really powerful... I actually had tears running down my face after reading it. They're still there. Over half of these words I can relate to, over half of them I've experienced.

I've felt the same pain over, and over again, and I've felt like I'm the ONLY one, the only DIFFERENT person, without anyone who can say, "No. Your just like me. We can get through this together."

"I don't know," is a statement I've made over a thousand times throughout my life, and even though perhaps my unconscious knows down at the bottom of my heart, I haven't found the reason WHY.

Not everyone understands what it's like to feel alone, and trapped. Surrounded in a world of no light, and no hope.

But there ARE, there are those people who can relate.

In all honesty, it makes feel so much better.

That I'm not alone in this world.

That maybe normal, isn't really normal after all.

 

Reply
:iconcolbalt-rain:
colbalt-rain Featured By Owner Oct 8, 2013   Writer
My mother once said to me "What if you guys [people w/ mood disorders] are the normal ones, and the rest of us are all crazy?" It's all about perspective.

I definitely know I'm not alone in the world, but for me personally, I rescued myself. And I can only do as much as I can to let others know that there are people like them out there, suffering for the same reasons. 
Reply
:iconwdnest:
wdnest Featured By Owner Oct 7, 2013  Professional Writer
Wonderful writing.
Reply
:iconcolbalt-rain:
colbalt-rain Featured By Owner Oct 8, 2013   Writer
Thank you!
Reply
:iconmorriscat:
MorrisCat Featured By Owner Oct 6, 2013
Powerful
Reply
:iconcolbalt-rain:
colbalt-rain Featured By Owner Oct 8, 2013   Writer
Thank you!
Reply
:iconkanji-hikari:
Kanji-Hikari Featured By Owner Oct 6, 2013  Student General Artist
This describes one of my friends perfectly and half of the time i have doubts she hasnt done anything, this made me remember who she was, and ho she changed but i still love her. no mater what.
Reply
:iconcolbalt-rain:
colbalt-rain Featured By Owner Oct 8, 2013   Writer
That's good. :heart: The world needs people like you. Don't forget that.
Reply
Add a Comment:
 
×

:iconcolbalt-rain: More from colbalt-rain


Featured in Collections

Poetry by Psyke-Ward

Literature by Tadewii

Literature by 12bubbles12


More from DeviantArt



Details

Submitted on
October 5, 2013
File Size
3.1 KB
Submitted with
Sta.sh
Link
Thumb

Stats

Views
4,110 (1 today)
Favourites
258 (who?)
Comments
97
×