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July 17, 2013
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dreams:
I’ve always wanted a boyfriend
I could watch porn with
and drink straight vodka with
until we’re too drunk to know
who took who
to bed.
I’ve always wanted a boyfriend
I could ride
without feeling embarrassed
that there’s a freckle on my breast;
a boyfriend who could make me fall in love
with his eyelashes
when they’re wet with tears,
with his breakdowns and daydreams
and every honest, vulnerable little thing.

I’ve always wanted a boyfriend
who could make me believe in God
because miracles were real
and I didn’t need evolution anymore
I didn’t need to believe
that things were destined
to change –
that I didn't want them to change.


dreams:
(I just wanted it to be perfect.)


truth:
You called me heroin
because you were addicted.
“You ruined my life,” you’d say,
drinking straight out the bottle.

You never drank with me,
so I always knew it was you
who was too drunk
to get my jeans open.

I always knew that it was you
who blamed me
and that it was me, too pathetic
(and, honestly, knowing better)
to try anymore.


dreams:
I want to run away.
I want to move to Australia, or Germany.
I want to look at a boy, a girl, a bird
with a broken wing
and say, “I can help you”
and I want them
to believe me.


truth:
You say,
“I don’t think people would want
a bipolar person to help them.”

You would know.
Once, I promised to help you.


truth:
But I couldn’t, and you’re right.


truth:
I can’t even help myself.


dreams:
“Where do you see yourself,”
you ask,
“in one year?”

“Here,” I answer. “With you.”

“In two? Three?”

I smile. “Same answer.”

“You’ll always be with me,”
you say, brushing back a stray piece
of my hair.

(To this day, I still believe
you said it
because you thought, inside,
I was already dead.)


truth:
If I’m heroin,
then you must be liquor
because drinking you down
is like a slow, deep burn
because taking you in,
all of you,
poisons people.

(I wasn’t dead inside.
I was empty and I thought
you could fill me.)

If I’m reality,
then you must be the pipe dream.

You must be a promise –
water, glistening at the end of the road
on a hot day –
that just really isn’t
there.


truth:
You broke me and, darling,
I didn’t look good under you
after that
so I stopped you.
I put a hand on your chest
as yours hastily unbuttoned my shirt
and said “Listen.

Later, around eleven, you left for good,
and I slept for three days.



truth:
Eventually, though,
I have to wake up.
Semi-truths and lies.
(I still wanna go to Australia, though.)

edit: Featured here!
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:iconnaktarra:
Naktarra Featured By Owner Mar 28, 2014  Student Writer
Hello, I'm Naktarra from :icongrammarnazicritiques: and I'm here to review your work. 

I'm quite intrigued with your writing right now and I'll be responsible for another two critiques after this on two of your other works submitted to the group.

This poem is a very honest and light giving one. It's going through your own or at least a persona of you depending on how truthful you're willing to write and bringing a sort of light on the subject.

I've seen plenty of poems that are romantically about loss like this, but some how I like this one all the much more. I think it could be directed at the fact you never spent your time so much on the negativity of the situation, you were sitting more or less on how you felt in the moment. I suppose that's something I respect. 

I've seen so many poems smashing on the partner to a relationship like this, but here it's not there. Here you have a character who is blaming it on herself for being a little too fanciful on what her dreams are. 

Over all, you've made a very intriguing poem to read which might be one of my favourites I've seen on DA so far. You're descriptive, to the point and your writing is featuring a sort of magic which is telling me you like what you're doing. 

I honestly can't think of anything I would improve, so I'm sorry if a shower of rights wasn't what you really wanted.

I congratulate you on your success with this poem and your feature and I look forward to reading more of you work!

Happy writing!

Naktarra
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:iconphoenixflamesrising:
PhoenixFlamesRising Featured By Owner Mar 19, 2014
Amaaaazing... Another poem comprised of beautiful stanzas that you put together so wonderfully to create a whole which is great than the sum of its parts. There is a middle part of this poem which was particularly powerful to me; the part about wanting to help others, and wanting them to believe you could; then feeling you could not even help yourself, after being disparaged by someone close you tried to help. Very moving and just amazing.
Reply
:iconprettyflour:
prettyflour Featured By Owner Sep 14, 2013  Hobbyist General Artist
This piece has been chosen for :iconpoets-and-warriors: weekly feature!


:)
Reply
:iconcolbalt-rain:
colbalt-rain Featured By Owner Sep 20, 2013   Writer
Thank you so much!! :love:
Reply
:iconfallin-anjil:
fallin-anjil Featured By Owner Aug 12, 2013
This is so raw it almost hurts.  The full circle, start to finish, unrelenting emotion.
Reply
:iconcolbalt-rain:
colbalt-rain Featured By Owner Aug 13, 2013   Writer
Thank you. :love:
Reply
:iconhearmescreamyourname:
HearMeScreamYourName Featured By Owner Aug 7, 2013
Chase your dreams, and make them reality.
Reply
:iconcolbalt-rain:
colbalt-rain Featured By Owner Aug 8, 2013   Writer
:) I promise I'll try. 
Reply
:iconhearmescreamyourname:
HearMeScreamYourName Featured By Owner Aug 9, 2013
Good luck, I hope it works out in the end.
Reply
:iconthatsparklystalker:
ThatSparklyStalker Featured By Owner Aug 7, 2013
I love the way you contrasted dreams and truths. I like that you didn't stick to the pattern of one truth after each dream but piled on the painful truths so that sort of drummed home the message. Your writing is the kind I wish I could call mine because each of your pieces speak out to someone and I hope to God you are published because I have never found a person more deserving of it than you
Reply
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