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Submitted on
October 30, 2012
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what I've learned:

    I still remember singing in my room when I was six, and having my mother come down the hall and slam the door so hard that the windows shook. Her nails hurt when she scraped the tears off my face. "It doesn't matter what you want," she'd always tell me. Like, when that drunk driver swerved and hit her car – I didn't want her to leave me, and it didn't matter.

    Once on vacation I bought a pair of fuzzy leather heels for two hundred dollars, and when I wore them to dinner, I found out that
      1. "Suede" is a fancy word for "fuzzy leather."
    And 2. Good things don't last: That night my cousin told me that she thought 135 pounds was a little too big for five foot eight. So I tore my tights up to the thigh and threw those new suede heels in the garbage. It felt good later, to know that they couldn't hate me more than I hate myself.

    My six-word story from ninth grade reads, "If I don't laugh, I'll cry." When I read that treating people like trash to gets them to need your approval, I finally understood Charlie, so I threw my Psych book at him on my way to math. All the way to the office I laughed louder than he could scream.

    Two things I'm still wondering:
      when will clear toasters be invented – and, what happens when there aren't enough stars out there for every broken heart?

    I think, the problem is, I tried getting older without growing up. I picked my eyelashes for wishes but never let them go. I say too much and think too little. I have what I don't need and need what I don't have and nobody really says where to start looking.

    If I ever learn how to lucid dream, I won't try to fly or fuck a celebrity – I'll find my elementary-school self and hug her and cry, because I've missed her so goddamn much these days.

    In the middle of the night, it would give me some relief to know that other people will never know what I'm truly feeling. Now I realize, nobody truly knows. Now I don't fall back asleep, either.

    And I know, 135 pounds for five foot eight isn't fat at all, but this perfect family, who hides me under big, dark words – and then has me in their Christmas photos like I'm supposed to belong – is not okay. It's just enough. (I have fucking had enough.)

    My grandmother's last words were, "I'm finally going to see Thomas again," who was my uncle that died in 1987. Her hand was limp in mine, but she didn't pass on until morning. And it was terrible, that she wasn't afraid. She didn't say, "I don't want to go," like they do in the movies. Because she told me once. She knew. We're all going.

From my eleventh grade English journal –

Day One: I dog-earred wedding catalogues.
Day Two: I'll never get married.

Day Three: The world smiled back a little.
Day Four: I'm nothing.

Today: I don't know how to end stories.
Tomorrow: Not all stories have to end.
What sixteen years of memory will teach you.

Also, my therapist says my family is a bad influence on me (as if I didn't know.)
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WriterOfTheSky55 Featured By Owner Apr 26, 2014  Hobbyist General Artist
    "If I ever learn how to lucid dream, I won't try to fly or fuck a celebrity – I'll find my elementary-school self and hug her and cry, because I've missed her so goddamn much these days." That hit home for me.
colbalt-rain Featured By Owner May 4, 2014   Writer
When I wrote that, all I could think about was that tweet that said "Become the person that you needed as a child."
Vatlaaw Featured By Owner Sep 24, 2013  Hobbyist General Artist
I really love this. I can really feel the emotion in every line. Those last two lines are just perfect!
colbalt-rain Featured By Owner Sep 30, 2013   Writer
Thank you so much! :heart:
avalanchepark Featured By Owner Aug 1, 2013
"And it was terrible, that she wasn't afraid"

the sheer exhaustion  can blur the distinction between living and dying . At some point you just want desperately to sleep .

Once again you speak in such clear words. I hope this helps you work past all this history and clue your broken cup into a beautiful sculpture

If nothing else all that has happened to this point has left you with a powerful voice
colbalt-rain Featured By Owner Aug 2, 2013   Writer
My grandmother was in her nineties, and she constantly spoke of how she was 'ready.' And, when the time was right, she was. She'd lived a rich, fulfilling life with five children. 

I think my cup's nearly repaired now. <3 They lowered my lithium dose and I've been reacting to it very well.

Thank you, for your kind words. :love:
AJK12 Featured By Owner Jul 27, 2013
i know how it feels :'(
colbalt-rain Featured By Owner Jul 27, 2013   Writer
TrollGirl Featured By Owner Jan 21, 2013  Professional Traditional Artist
Family is mostly a bad idea. Bunch of people that hardly belong together, have nothing in common, and hurt each other. You'll find your real friends, if you haven't already.
colbalt-rain Featured By Owner Jan 24, 2013   Writer
I suppose so.
And I know family isn't supposed to make you happy, but I never thought they were actually supposed to make you feel like total hell.
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