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what I've learned:



    I still remember singing in my room when I was six, and having my mother come down the hall and slam the door so hard that the windows shook. Her nails hurt when she scraped the tears off my face. "It doesn't matter what you want," she'd always tell me. Like, when that drunk driver swerved and hit her car – I didn't want her to leave me, and it didn't matter.



    Once on vacation I bought a pair of fuzzy leather heels for two hundred dollars, and when I wore them to dinner, I found out that
      1. "Suede" is a fancy word for "fuzzy leather."
    And 2. Good things don't last: That night my cousin told me that she thought 135 pounds was a little too big for five foot eight. So I tore my tights up to the thigh and threw those new suede heels in the garbage. It felt good later, to know that they couldn't hate me more than I hate myself.



    My six-word story from ninth grade reads, "If I don't laugh, I'll cry." When I read that treating people like trash to gets them to need your approval, I finally understood Charlie, so I threw my Psych book at him on my way to math. All the way to the office I laughed louder than he could scream.



    Two things I'm still wondering:
      when will clear toasters be invented – and, what happens when there aren't enough stars out there for every broken heart?



    I think, the problem is, I tried getting older without growing up. I picked my eyelashes for wishes but never let them go. I say too much and think too little. I have what I don't need and need what I don't have and nobody really says where to start looking.



    If I ever learn how to lucid dream, I won't try to fly or fuck a celebrity – I'll find my elementary-school self and hug her and cry, because I've missed her so goddamn much these days.



    In the middle of the night, it would give me some relief to know that other people will never know what I'm truly feeling. Now I realize, nobody truly knows. Now I don't fall back asleep, either.



    And I know, 135 pounds for five foot eight isn't fat at all, but this perfect family, who hides me under big, dark words – and then has me in their Christmas photos like I'm supposed to belong – is not okay. It's just enough. (I have fucking had enough.)




    My grandmother's last words were, "I'm finally going to see Thomas again," who was my uncle that died in 1987. Her hand was limp in mine, but she didn't pass on until morning. And it was terrible, that she wasn't afraid. She didn't say, "I don't want to go," like they do in the movies. Because she told me once. She knew. We're all going.






From my eleventh grade English journal –

Day One: I dog-earred wedding catalogues.
Day Two: I'll never get married.

Day Three: The world smiled back a little.
Day Four: I'm nothing.

Today: I don't know how to end stories.
Tomorrow: Not all stories have to end.
What sixteen years of memory will teach you.

Also, my therapist says my family is a bad influence on me (as if I didn't know.)
Add a Comment:
 
:iconwriterofthesky55:
WriterOfTheSky55 Featured By Owner Apr 26, 2014  Hobbyist General Artist
    "If I ever learn how to lucid dream, I won't try to fly or fuck a celebrity – I'll find my elementary-school self and hug her and cry, because I've missed her so goddamn much these days." That hit home for me.
Reply
:iconcolbalt-rain:
colbalt-rain Featured By Owner May 4, 2014   Writer
When I wrote that, all I could think about was that tweet that said "Become the person that you needed as a child."
Reply
:iconvatlaaw:
Vatlaaw Featured By Owner Sep 24, 2013  Hobbyist Writer
I really love this. I can really feel the emotion in every line. Those last two lines are just perfect!
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:iconcolbalt-rain:
colbalt-rain Featured By Owner Sep 30, 2013   Writer
Thank you so much! :heart:
Reply
:iconavalanchepark:
avalanchepark Featured By Owner Aug 1, 2013
"And it was terrible, that she wasn't afraid"

the sheer exhaustion  can blur the distinction between living and dying . At some point you just want desperately to sleep .

Once again you speak in such clear words. I hope this helps you work past all this history and clue your broken cup into a beautiful sculpture

If nothing else all that has happened to this point has left you with a powerful voice
Reply
:iconcolbalt-rain:
colbalt-rain Featured By Owner Aug 2, 2013   Writer
My grandmother was in her nineties, and she constantly spoke of how she was 'ready.' And, when the time was right, she was. She'd lived a rich, fulfilling life with five children. 

I think my cup's nearly repaired now. <3 They lowered my lithium dose and I've been reacting to it very well.

Thank you, for your kind words. :love:
Reply
:iconajk12:
AJK12 Featured By Owner Jul 27, 2013
i know how it feels :'(
Reply
:iconcolbalt-rain:
colbalt-rain Featured By Owner Jul 27, 2013   Writer
:iconsadhugplz:
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:icontrollgirl:
TrollGirl Featured By Owner Jan 21, 2013  Professional Traditional Artist
Family is mostly a bad idea. Bunch of people that hardly belong together, have nothing in common, and hurt each other. You'll find your real friends, if you haven't already.
Reply
:iconcolbalt-rain:
colbalt-rain Featured By Owner Jan 24, 2013   Writer
I suppose so.
And I know family isn't supposed to make you happy, but I never thought they were actually supposed to make you feel like total hell.
Reply
:iconcyndrome:
Cyndrome Featured By Owner Dec 27, 2012  Hobbyist General Artist
I'm not usually one to read other people's life-stories, because I'm too busy writing my own (and have no energy left to "deal with other people's problems as well"). But as I - today - uploaded one of my stories to the writer's meow, I thought it was only fair to read other people's stories as well. I stumbled across yours and I am amazed at and a bit envious of your writing style. It's so clear, so literary and I think it conveys the message really well. I do feel you. I really do.

I think you are absolutely full of talent and I know what it's like to be put down by family members, worse if you know they don't mean it that way. I'm but a stranger and I just put up a story about "good advice being useless" on dA, but I really would like to tell you that I think you're talented and that this is absolutely publishing material and that if you are sixteen now, you'll go far into the world with the talent you have.

:hug:
Reply
:iconcolbalt-rain:
colbalt-rain Featured By Owner Jan 3, 2013   Writer
Gosh. Thank you so much. :blush:
Reply
:iconsugapieissofly:
SugapieIsSoFly Featured By Owner Nov 20, 2012  Student Filmographer
I've learned from your writing that you are both a very inquisitive person and extremely self-aware and I love how that just shows and really flows through your words.
Reply
:iconcolbalt-rain:
colbalt-rain Featured By Owner Nov 21, 2012   Writer
Thank you, Izzy, that means a lot. (love the name, BTW!)
And I've learned so much about myself just from writing. I'm overjoyed that it shows, too. :heart:
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:iconsuzakugirl13:
SuzakuGirl13 Featured By Owner Nov 18, 2012  Hobbyist Writer
Very beautiful. Stay strong. :huggle:
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:iconcolbalt-rain:
colbalt-rain Featured By Owner Nov 21, 2012   Writer
Thank you. :huggle:
Reply
:iconsuzakugirl13:
SuzakuGirl13 Featured By Owner Nov 21, 2012  Hobbyist Writer
You're welcome. :hug:
Reply
:iconrebel-brat:
rebel-brat Featured By Owner Nov 17, 2012  Hobbyist Writer
this is so incredibly amazing.

I think, the problem is, I tried getting older without growing up.

I picked my eyelashes for wishes but never let them go.

I say too much and think too little.

I have what I don't need and need what I don't have and nobody really says where to start looking.



If I ever learn how to lucid dream, I won't try to fly or fuck a celebrity – I'll find my elementary-school self and hug her and cry, because I've missed her so goddamn much these days.
Reply
:iconcolbalt-rain:
colbalt-rain Featured By Owner Nov 21, 2012   Writer
Thank you very much. :heart:
Reply
:iconhhheeeyyy:
HHHEEEYYY Featured By Owner Nov 11, 2012  Hobbyist Writer
So beautiful.Parts of this describe me so well.
"It felt good to know that they couldn't hate me more than I hate myself."
Reply
:iconcolbalt-rain:
colbalt-rain Featured By Owner Nov 21, 2012   Writer
I really liked that line, too. Thank you. :blush:
Reply
:iconhhheeeyyy:
HHHEEEYYY Featured By Owner Nov 21, 2012  Hobbyist Writer
You're welcome. ;)
Reply
:iconkymira12:
Kymira12 Featured By Owner Nov 8, 2012  Hobbyist General Artist
I've read this piece so many times and I still can't form the right words.. All I can say is that this is absolutely beautiful and I know I don't know you but by reading this, I already know you are so strong for everything you have gone through in your life so far :huggle: Stay strong and you're right, not everything has an ending so you have so much opportunities to make things better. Even if it starts with something little.
Reply
:iconcolbalt-rain:
colbalt-rain Featured By Owner Nov 11, 2012   Writer
That's very sweet, thank you! :love:
Reply
:iconrobinso516:
Robinso516 Featured By Owner Nov 5, 2012
wow
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:iconcolbalt-rain:
colbalt-rain Featured By Owner Nov 7, 2012   Writer
:heart:
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:iconrobinso516:
Robinso516 Featured By Owner Nov 8, 2012
Keep writing =)
Reply
:iconalixandria55555:
alixandria55555 Featured By Owner Nov 5, 2012  Hobbyist Traditional Artist
that six word story for ninth grade was deep, most people don't realize themselves as much as you do
Reply
:iconcolbalt-rain:
colbalt-rain Featured By Owner Nov 7, 2012   Writer
I've had a long time to realize myself, even if I didn't like it.
Thank you. :heart:
Reply
:iconkawaiikoneko97:
KawaiiKoneko97 Featured By Owner Nov 4, 2012  Student Filmographer
This is wonderful. It's very well written and I quite enjoyed reading it. Perfect; truly perfect. <3 :heart:
Reply
:iconcolbalt-rain:
colbalt-rain Featured By Owner Nov 4, 2012   Writer
Oh thank you so much! :heart:
Reply
:iconkawaiikoneko97:
KawaiiKoneko97 Featured By Owner Nov 5, 2012  Student Filmographer
You're very welcome. <3
Reply
:iconbelarosewolf:
BelaRoseWolf Featured By Owner Nov 2, 2012  Student Writer
I really want to say something, but I'm unable to find the right words... What really got to me in this was the part with lucid dreaming... Incredible work!
Reply
:iconcolbalt-rain:
colbalt-rain Featured By Owner Nov 3, 2012   Writer
Thank you millions. :D
Reply
:iconbelarosewolf:
BelaRoseWolf Featured By Owner Nov 4, 2012  Student Writer
You're welcome! :D
Reply
:iconnostalgicwasteland:
NostalgicWasteland Featured By Owner Nov 1, 2012
I love this.
Reply
:iconcolbalt-rain:
colbalt-rain Featured By Owner Nov 3, 2012   Writer
Admittedly I enjoyed writing it. Took a couple of days, but I finally do. <3
Reply
:icondivapinkdress74:
Divapinkdress74 Featured By Owner Nov 1, 2012
This is perfect.
Reply
:iconcolbalt-rain:
colbalt-rain Featured By Owner Nov 3, 2012   Writer
That's so kind of you. <3
Reply
:icontwentyfootangels:
TwentyfootAngels Featured By Owner Nov 1, 2012  Hobbyist Writer
You. Rock.
Reply
:iconcolbalt-rain:
colbalt-rain Featured By Owner Nov 3, 2012   Writer
Thank you so much!
Reply
:icontwentyfootangels:
TwentyfootAngels Featured By Owner Nov 4, 2012  Hobbyist Writer
:D
Reply
:iconyour-methamphetamine:
your-methamphetamine Featured By Owner Nov 1, 2012  Student Writer
this made me ache so much.
this is beyond beautiful.
Reply
:iconcolbalt-rain:
colbalt-rain Featured By Owner Nov 3, 2012   Writer
I'm glad you think so. :love:
Reply
:iconmarionettevignette:
MarionetteVignette Featured By Owner Oct 31, 2012
yeah... ik how you feel. sometimes i wish i could be a child again and enjoy life more (although my childhood was not great at all but i just miss that innocence). and lately i have been lost more than ever, especially being in my last year of high school, i am not sure how or what i am going to do with my life. all i want to do is get away from family and just live, live life the way i want to since i was sheltered for so long.. (im not putting my life story here)
and i promise u, i am 5'8.5" and i am 160 lbs. that is not overweight at all, its abt the beauty in the inside and from what i have just read, you have an amazing heart that has been hurt too much
Reply
:iconcolbalt-rain:
colbalt-rain Featured By Owner Nov 3, 2012   Writer
Thank you so very much.
And I don't need your life story to know what kind of person you are - a lovely one. :heart:
Reply
:iconmarionettevignette:
MarionetteVignette Featured By Owner Nov 3, 2012
your very welcome
and awww thank you <3
Reply
:iconartofdezzy:
ArtofDezzy Featured By Owner Oct 31, 2012
I am 170 pounds 5;4
Reply
:iconcolbalt-rain:
colbalt-rain Featured By Owner Nov 3, 2012   Writer
:iconsadhugplz:
Reply
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