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:iconcolbalt-rain: More from colbalt-rain


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poems by NicolaWingedDeity

words by RebelPandaFish

Literature by HazyDreamerNeko


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Submitted on
November 13, 2012
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1.1 KB
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and you'll never forget:

When you realized that everybody dies alone.


When you didn't take your eyeliner off one night, so in the morning
your eyes would look as hollow as you felt.


When you spent a year blacking out the sad endings in your books.
(When you wished that life could also work like that.)


When you learnt that "We need a break" means "I am going to break your heart."


When you fell in love with the stars, and the way he says "us."


When he told you, "More than just a long time."


The first time you hung up to the sound of your father laughing.


When you walked home from a party in January, and couldn't remember
if you were still breathing.


When you begged him to let you be sad, and he smiled and said, "No."


When you saw the irony of drawing trees on paper and how alive you've felt
after being sure you were dead.
"I have loved the stars too fondly to be fearful of the night."
- Galileo Galilei

For Conor (:iconpyrofiend324:) To early birthdays and every lovely thing you do. :heart:
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:iconthefs:
TheFS Featured By Owner Dec 26, 2012  Hobbyist Writer
Hey there, my name’s Ed and I’ll be giving you a thoughtful critique thanks to #SuperWritersHelp!

It’s a beautiful piece, beautifully written. You delve into concrete images/ideas to approach this abstract thought of being alone. That’s what a lot of poems lack (in my opinion anyway)

By the way, you’ve categorized this work as prose. I believe it is more poetry-like, and should maybe be moved category? Several other people have commented, calling it a poem, too.

As far as formatting goes, I agree with ~bloodawni. At least I think there should only be a single line between each ‘point’ rather than two. It could be interesting to play with it though. Could there be more lines separating each point at the start? And then they move closer and closer? What would that effect achieve? Should it be in reverse? Could the text sink or rise? You could look here to get some information about using html on dA =)

Comments:
-Just as a formatting query, maybe you should change the double quotes around ‘We need a break’ to single quotes. Because this isn’t actual speech, it’s sort of implied situations I think it should be recognizably different:
When you learnt that ‘We need a break’ means ‘I am going to break your heart’.
(also, I’ve moved the period to outside of the quotes, because it is a quote rather than speech).
-“When you fell in love with the stars, and the way he says(comma) "us."

Not many comments either. There’s nothing grammatically wrong, so well done (and thanks!) for that. I think my favourite image is the one of blanking out the endings of books, and wishing life could be the same. I guess it’s interesting though, since you know they’re still there. Blanking them out is the same as just forgetting, and is it good to forget something bad or live knowing life is better now?

Overall, a very thought provoking piece, wonderfully written and a new favourite of mine. Sorry I can't be of more help!

Let me know if you have any questions! =D
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:iconcolbalt-rain:
colbalt-rain Featured By Owner Jan 3, 2013   Writer
Thank you very much! And I'll look into reformatting it. :D
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:iconsugapieissofly:
SugapieIsSoFly Featured By Owner Nov 23, 2012  Student Filmographer
A few of those lines hit me hard and brought tears to my eyes because they were very relatable to events in my life. I love how honest and straightforward your poems are.
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:iconcolbalt-rain:
colbalt-rain Featured By Owner Dec 3, 2012   Writer
Thank you so much. :iconyayzplz: I've been working hard.
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:iconblue-disciple:
Blue-Disciple Featured By Owner Nov 20, 2012
'S mazeen.
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:iconcamelopardalisinblue:
camelopardalisinblue Featured By Owner Nov 16, 2012  Hobbyist General Artist
Beautiful and powerful, this is a very effective piece. The one thing I would suggest is a visual change - less space between each line, and maybe a small indent on each instead of the two line gap?

The wording is lovely, though, and the whole poem is very relatable.
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:iconcolbalt-rain:
colbalt-rain Featured By Owner Nov 21, 2012   Writer
I definitely need to master the coding on here. ^^;
Thank you very much!
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:icontheemptychest:
TheEmptyChest Featured By Owner Nov 15, 2012
So honest and true, and beautifully written. <3
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:iconcolbalt-rain:
colbalt-rain Featured By Owner Nov 21, 2012   Writer
Thank you. :heart:
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:icontheemptychest:
TheEmptyChest Featured By Owner Nov 21, 2012
You're welcome. :love:
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