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Literature by 12bubbles12

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August 7, 2013
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0.
there is a picture in my living room
of my parents in their twenties, in sunhats,
laughing.

there is a picture of my father holding me
when i was two years old.

there is a picture of my parents
on their wedding day.

there is a picture of me when i was
ten, eleven, twelve.

i’m seventeen now and
i won’t let my mother
take any of the pictures
down.

i need to believe that, at one point,
this house was more than just
slammed doors
and silence.



1.
i was born on the second-to-last day
of april.
i weighed seven pounds, two ounces,
and it was ninety-nine degrees out.

four years before that, in 1992,
the officers who beat rodney king
within an inch of his life
were acquitted.

five years before that, in 1991,
a cyclone in Bangladesh killed
138,000 people and made 10 million
homeless.

ten years before that, in 1986,
a fire in a Los Angeles library
damaged more than 400,000
books.

and on that day, april 29, 1996, i was born
and i’d like to pretend
that it was a good thing.



2.
i only have one memory of
early childhood:

coming home from california,
where my mother and i had been
for a year
with her parents.

i was four, and a man came up to us
at the airport, and he smiled
and he said hello
and i had no idea who he was.



it was my dad.



3.
when i was nine,
my dad started sleeping on the couch
and we were kicked out of four
of my six childhood homes
and i could never figure out
why.

not until i was eleven when i woke up
with policemen in the doorway
that my drunk dad had called
without realizing it.

and i saw the suitcase on his bed.
and i saw the disappointment in their eyes.
and i saw my father’s, bloodshot, avoiding mine
and i felt the tears coming.

i knew then.



4.
my uncle was a drinker, too.
in 1987, he was putting his life back together
with as steady hands as he could
when the police dragged him out of his car,
beat him,
and left him handcuffed,
on the side of the road.

a drunk driver ended him.



5.
alcohol is a ghost
and it haunts my family.



6.
once i fell down a hill
and shredded my knees on gravel.

once i heard my father call his dog
his “little buddy.”
my mother said,
“why can’t katie be your little buddy?”
and he replied, with a laugh,
“well,
she doesn’t live with me.”

once, i was a child.

but i left childhood
with two scars on my knees
and one open wound
that refuses to heal.



7.
my parents love me
but it doesn’t matter.



8.
i love my parents more than anything
and
my father’s still a recovering alcoholic
who doesn’t give a shit about me
and
my mother’s still a hateful, angry woman
who only makes decisions she regrets.

i love my parents
and it doesn’t mean shit.



9.
a few years ago i learned
that daddy issues are supposed to make
for a really good whore.

i have never been more disgusted
to know that it’s sexy
when a parent neglects his child,
when he hurts his child,
when that child is in pain.

you know what?
here’s what daddy issues make:
they make for girls like me,
with absent fathers, with dead fathers,
drunk fathers, arrogant fathers,
mean fathers,
fathers who are fucked-up,
fathers we wished loved us.

daddy issues make for tears, make for hatred.
they make for girls who will spend a lifetime
blaming themselves
and searching
because, when we grew up,
something
was always
missing.



10.
i have my dad’s eyes
and my mother’s eyesight
and my dad’s teeth
and my mother’s chin
and my father’s body type
and my mother’s hair.

i have my dad’s sickness
and a prescription for it.

last year, i told my best friend
to “fuck right the hell off”
after she told me she was cutting herself.

(i have my parents’ selfishness.)

i’ve made my boyfriend cry
three times.

(i have their ability
to let down the people i love.)



11.
i love my parents
and they love me back.
and it has taught me
that love
isn’t always beautiful.
Everything I need to face, everything you need to know, in twelve vignettes.
This is the hardest thing I've ever had to write.
Add a Comment:
 
:icontwistedtreeranch:
TwistedTreeRanch Featured By Owner Oct 14, 2014  Hobbyist General Artist
"but i left childhood
with two scars on my knees
and one open wound
that refuses to heal."

Those lines are incredible.. 
Reply
:icontwistedtreeranch:
TwistedTreeRanch Featured By Owner Oct 14, 2014  Hobbyist General Artist
Reading through many of your posts, I see that you are a very talented writer. I am so sorry to know that you have to go through so much, past present and future. I have "daddy issues" too, I suppose.. I might write about them some time.. you inspire me.

lucky for me, issues regarding my dads are mostly resolved and in the past. Ill always carry that pain with me, though. 
Reply
:iconlonacc:
Lonacc Featured By Owner Oct 14, 2014  Hobbyist General Artist
feel free to write it down, even though it is hard; know that you have my support. Vent out the pain, share it with the world. <333 (hugs)
Reply
:iconwitchoftales:
WitchofTales Featured By Owner Mar 29, 2014  Hobbyist Digital Artist
And your story is very meaningful too. Again, thank you for writing such personal things.
Reply
:iconcolbalt-rain:
colbalt-rain Featured By Owner Apr 10, 2014   Writer
No problem. Thank you for reading. :heart:
Reply
:iconwitchoftales:
WitchofTales Featured By Owner Mar 29, 2014  Hobbyist Digital Artist
Your writing is really powerful. This is the second time I'm crying. 
Reply
:iconcolbalt-rain:
colbalt-rain Featured By Owner Apr 10, 2014   Writer
To tell you the truth, I cry every time I write one of these. I'm relieved to see my readers share the sentiment. 
Reply
:iconrolllinggirl:
RolllingGirl Featured By Owner Mar 10, 2014
This was really brave of you for posting this.. It is beautiful. I can relate to the ability to let people down..
Reply
:iconmourningbirdindy:
mourningbirdindy Featured By Owner Feb 20, 2014  Hobbyist Traditional Artist
I can feel the difficulty in writing this. Like if I tried to write something like this, I'd never post it. Not that it's stiff or awkwardly written, but, you know what I mean. You're so brave for sharing this.
Reply
:iconcolbalt-rain:
colbalt-rain Featured By Owner Feb 26, 2014   Writer
Thank you. It was hard, but it helped, too. 
Reply
:iconmourningbirdindy:
mourningbirdindy Featured By Owner Mar 6, 2014  Hobbyist Traditional Artist
You're certainly welcome, and yeah, sometimes you just have to get something out of your system, even if it is hard to do, and then afterwards you just feel a lot better. 
Reply
:iconhopeadreki:
HopeaDreki Featured By Owner Feb 17, 2014
I am writing one of my own for you.
Reply
:iconcolbalt-rain:
colbalt-rain Featured By Owner Feb 18, 2014   Writer
Thank you. :blush: I appreciate that. 
Reply
:iconmaryitis:
MaryItIs Featured By Owner Feb 17, 2014  Hobbyist General Artist
True.
I can relate.
A little.
Reply
:iconcolbalt-rain:
colbalt-rain Featured By Owner Feb 18, 2014   Writer
I'm scared that we all can, even if it's just a little. 
Reply
:icondeviantartist14:
DeviantArtist14 Featured By Owner Feb 16, 2014  Student General Artist
i love my parents too
and they love me back.
and it has taught me something too
it taught me that love
is hardly ever beautiful
But can be ugly when it wants to be.
Reply
:iconcolbalt-rain:
colbalt-rain Featured By Owner Feb 16, 2014   Writer
I like that. Not when it "has" to be or "needs" to be. When it wants to be. Kinda makes you think. Like, why do we love at all? 
Reply
:icondeviantartist14:
DeviantArtist14 Featured By Owner Feb 17, 2014  Student General Artist
Well, i think that we still love and hope and believe after all the garbage we've seen because we know we can recover, we as humans are built to recover and keep going, it's just what we do.
Reply
:icondeviantartist14:
DeviantArtist14 Featured By Owner Feb 16, 2014  Student General Artist
But im glad that love is what it is (ugly and beautiful) because the beauty made me happy and the ugliness makes me strong
Reply
:iconrennskye:
rennskye Featured By Owner Sep 7, 2013
I'm not sure the proper words exist to describe what this rises in me. It is wonderful in the way of cracked photographs and things that were almost said - which is, perhaps, to say that it is broken in all the right ways, shattered in exactly the right places to make it aesthetically pleasing, which doesn't make it hurt less, but at least gives it a nice touch. A masterfully written piece that hurts to read, I'm sure, only half as much as it hurt to write.
Reply
:iconcolbalt-rain:
colbalt-rain Featured By Owner Oct 5, 2013   Writer
Oh wow. :blush: That's so very sweet. Thank you.
Reply
:iconmistressofquills:
MistressofQuills Featured By Owner Sep 7, 2013  Student Writer
#11 hit me hard
Reply
:iconcolbalt-rain:
colbalt-rain Featured By Owner Sep 21, 2013   Writer
This entire poem was...difficult to conceive. ._. I'm even more upset that so many people can relate, though I suppose it's oddly comforting all the while.
Reply
:iconmistressofquills:
MistressofQuills Featured By Owner Sep 22, 2013  Student Writer
I know what you mean. But given the responses, at least you know that you expressed yourself well(:
Reply
:iconavalanchepark:
avalanchepark Featured By Owner Aug 24, 2013
"a few years ago i learned
that daddy issues are supposed to make
for a really good whore.

i have never been more disgusted
to know that it’s sexy
when a parent neglects his child,"

this assumes that whoring is in any way "sexy" . I think the point is that it takes some serious personal damage, desperate circumstance or controlling abuse for the vast majority of women to be whores. Total lack of self esteem and self worth would seem to be such damage.

it's so difficult to hear your words and have no comfort to offer. I hope your extraordinary ability to see the monster helps you slay it.
Reply
:iconcolbalt-rain:
colbalt-rain Featured By Owner Aug 28, 2013   Writer
Unfortunately the idea of "sexy" is vulnerability. Which is fucking disgusting, to be frank.

And it's alright. :heart: I'm doing well, but some words just need to come out.
Reply
:iconresin-san:
Resin-San Featured By Owner Aug 16, 2013  Hobbyist General Artist
recognising a lot...understanding where you talk from. boy...you are strong Hug +fav
Reply
:iconcolbalt-rain:
colbalt-rain Featured By Owner Aug 17, 2013   Writer
:glomp: Thank you!
Reply
:iconincognitomallard:
IncognitoMallard Featured By Owner Aug 14, 2013  Hobbyist General Artist
;w; This is sooooooo sad...but so beautifully written. </3 I don't even know what to think...
Reply
:iconcolbalt-rain:
colbalt-rain Featured By Owner Aug 14, 2013   Writer
:huggle: Thank you.
Reply
:iconincognitomallard:
IncognitoMallard Featured By Owner Aug 16, 2013  Hobbyist General Artist
:tighthug: You're welcome~
Reply
:iconwinter995:
Winter995 Featured By Owner Aug 13, 2013
it was too hard for me to finish reading. God bless you
Reply
:iconcolbalt-rain:
colbalt-rain Featured By Owner Aug 13, 2013   Writer
:love: Thank you.
Reply
:iconkmusicdreamer:
KMusicDreamer Featured By Owner Aug 13, 2013  Hobbyist General Artist
Maybe love isn't always beautiful . . . But these vignettes were. They were beautifully sorrowful. And I hope you keep writing. Stay strong.
Reply
:iconcolbalt-rain:
colbalt-rain Featured By Owner Aug 13, 2013   Writer
Thank you. :heart: I promise I'll try.
Reply
:iconkmusicdreamer:
KMusicDreamer Featured By Owner Aug 14, 2013  Hobbyist General Artist
You're welcome. :) Good. But as Yoda says . . . Maybe you should "do or do not, there is not try". ;) <3
Reply
:icongrellxxlovesxwincest:
GrellXXlovesXwincest Featured By Owner Aug 13, 2013  Hobbyist Traditional Artist
you just described My child hood... And Im only 13
Reply
:iconcolbalt-rain:
colbalt-rain Featured By Owner Aug 13, 2013   Writer
Thirteen was the worst age for me, personally. 
Reply
:icongrellxxlovesxwincest:
GrellXXlovesXwincest Featured By Owner Aug 14, 2013  Hobbyist Traditional Artist
Yeah Its rough But Im sure Ill make it through :)
Reply
:iconnybling:
Nybling Featured By Owner Aug 12, 2013  Hobbyist Photographer
Is it... strange if I say that it's wonderful?
Well, it is. But it is a true fact, so...

There is one thing to tell you: "This is wondeful." :heart:
Reply
:iconcolbalt-rain:
colbalt-rain Featured By Owner Aug 12, 2013   Writer
That's not strange at all. :love: Thank you very much.
Reply
:iconnybling:
Nybling Featured By Owner Aug 12, 2013  Hobbyist Photographer
You' re welcome anytime :)
Reply
:iconword-s-myth:
word-s-myth Featured By Owner Aug 11, 2013  Professional Writer
This should be read by all fathers (and mothers) on the day their child is born.

It's beautifully written, too. Pain turned into beauty may not always alleviate the pain, but it surely adds beauty to the world.
Reply
:iconcolbalt-rain:
colbalt-rain Featured By Owner Aug 11, 2013   Writer
Thank you so much. 
Reply
:iconsacredzinja:
sacredZinja Featured By Owner Aug 10, 2013  Hobbyist Writer
For me, the most difficult thing to learn was, that "loving" doesn't mean "being able to give one's love freely und openly". There are so many things that make love difficult. Making borders between people where no borders should be.

Thanks for writing this!
Reply
:iconcolbalt-rain:
colbalt-rain Featured By Owner Aug 10, 2013   Writer
Thank you, as well. :D
Reply
:iconsacredzinja:
sacredZinja Featured By Owner Aug 10, 2013  Hobbyist Writer
Thanks. ^^
Reply
:iconbluediamondsnow:
BlueDiamondSnow Featured By Owner Aug 10, 2013  Hobbyist General Artist
This is gripping. I started to read and could not stop. I love the honesty about it. It wrenches. I speaks. It stands. You should be so proud you wrote it. It's really good. And, you're really strong. 
Reply
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