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Literature by DSteffi

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September 19, 2013
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let me save you the trouble:

because what i'm trying to say is
i'm not a good person.


--


i don’t tell valerie about how i planned to rekindle
my friendship with charlie’s best friend last year
just so i could get to him and hurt him.

(i don’t tell her how, in the end, i ended up liking
his friend instead, and charlie dated another
fifteen year old
because shit happens and what was i doing,
expecting things to go my way?)

there are certain things she doesn’t need to know,
certain things i can’t say because
putting it into words what it was like waking up,
that sort of shame that came with it –

it was like – it was like looking into a window
and swearing there’s a monster behind it
before, slowly, i realized

it was a mirror.


--


what therapy promises me: love yourself, forgive but
never forget, tell us your past
then let it go.

what i learn in therapy: nobody has all the answers.

we certainly don’t.


--


“you know all these articles about
how my generation is the dumbest
ever?”

“yes.”

“are those true?”

“no. people are actually getting smarter
by about three IQ points every decade.”

“you’re a doctor. is there any particular reason
adults wanna make us feel like shit?”

“other than projecting their guilt of ruining the economy
and their envy of your technology
and their desperation to tapdance
around their own problems?”

“yeah.”

she smiles sadly. “no. none that i can think of.”


--


“today i hugged conor for nearly
three minutes.”

“that’s a long time.”

“he laughed,” i say, crumpling a hershey’s wrapper
in my lap.
“and he said, ‘uh, katie?’ but it’s –

i don’t think he understands the feeling
of being forced to let go.”


--


“charlie told me the girl he left me for
is the only girl
he’s ever loved.”

“why would he say that you?”

“i don’t know. i don’t know why he does
what he does anymore. and i don’t care.
i don’t care.”

she has a sympathetic look that i hate.
definitively i say “i don’t”

right as the tears begin.

“katie -”

“no. just give me a minute.
give me a minute.”

she does, but it doesn’t matter.
getting over this kind of pain
will take forever.
Sad, funny, and honest things I have (and haven't) told my therapist.

Mid-September to late November is my favorite time of year. :heart:
Add a Comment:
 
:iconmorning-star-42:
Morning-Star-42 Featured By Owner Feb 11, 2014  Hobbyist Writer
"what i learn in therapy: nobody has all the answers.

we certainly don’t."

My experience, too. Not all of the answers. It's frustrating and disappointing, but it's relieving in a way that I'm not just doing it wrong.
Reply
:iconcolbalt-rain:
colbalt-rain Featured By Owner Feb 11, 2014   Writer
Psychology is a hit-or-miss, and it's sad that it doesn't always work, either.
Reply
:iconsideways-saint:
sideways-saint Featured By Owner Sep 30, 2013  Hobbyist General Artist
ABSOLUTELY INCREDIBLE!!
I can't even... just....
WOW!!!! <3!
Reply
:iconcolbalt-rain:
colbalt-rain Featured By Owner Oct 5, 2013   Writer
Thank you so much! :la:
Reply
:iconlovedoesnotexist:
LoveDoesNotExist Featured By Owner Sep 23, 2013  Hobbyist Writer
Wooooooooowwww. !! Great :D Love it! :D (bit odd though, loving your pain)... I love the writing then :D
Reply
:iconcolbalt-rain:
colbalt-rain Featured By Owner Sep 30, 2013   Writer
Thank you. :love:
Reply
:iconbvbarmy7817:
bvbarmy7817 Featured By Owner Sep 21, 2013  Hobbyist Artist
Amazing as usual 
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:iconcolbalt-rain:
colbalt-rain Featured By Owner Sep 30, 2013   Writer
:blush: Thank you.
Reply
:iconbvbarmy7817:
bvbarmy7817 Featured By Owner Oct 17, 2013  Hobbyist Artist
You're welcome :D
Reply
:iconpatternvsuser:
PatternVSUser Featured By Owner Sep 21, 2013  Hobbyist Writer
Missed your writing. As always, it's filled with quotables and pieces of wisdom.
Reply
:iconcolbalt-rain:
colbalt-rain Featured By Owner Sep 30, 2013   Writer
As I've missed writing it. :) Thank you!
Reply
:iconscribblezennias:
ScribbleZennias Featured By Owner Sep 21, 2013  Professional Traditional Artist
Wonderful as always!!! 
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:iconcolbalt-rain:
colbalt-rain Featured By Owner Sep 30, 2013   Writer
Thank you!
Reply
:iconsquiddy-chan:
Squiddy-chan Featured By Owner Sep 20, 2013
The part about the older generation made me smile. Your poems always invoke some kind of reaction in me. I love it. :3
Reply
:iconcolbalt-rain:
colbalt-rain Featured By Owner Sep 30, 2013   Writer
:huggle: I'm so glad to hear that.
Reply
:iconsquiddy-chan:
Squiddy-chan Featured By Owner Oct 1, 2013
Hug Haha, I'm glad. ^_^
Reply
:iconfake-theory:
fake-theory Featured By Owner Sep 20, 2013
i love the raw honesty in your poems. this is beautiful <3
Reply
:iconcolbalt-rain:
colbalt-rain Featured By Owner Sep 30, 2013   Writer
Thank you so much.
Reply
:icongrassa48:
grassa48 Featured By Owner Sep 20, 2013  Hobbyist Writer

Ugh. Me old. Me dumb. Ugh.

 

Keep up the good work!

Reply
:iconcolbalt-rain:
colbalt-rain Featured By Owner Sep 30, 2013   Writer
:lol: I certainly will.
Reply
:iconavalanchepark:
avalanchepark Featured By Owner Sep 20, 2013
old people are envious because you are young and they are not - funny thing you will discover is that having had a youth doesn't mean you are ready to move on to death even though you have already 'had your turn' . Mortality sucks .

old people denigrate you because it is always easier to see your own pain and minimize that of others. "Gosh we had to work and life sucked when we were young but you guys got it so good now". To some degree there is a bit of truth in that but only in the material sense and across all generations as the human condition advances. I am very aware that I had it MUCH easier than my parents (gee we had vaccines , they died).

I am not sure why old people would specifically try to make you feel like shit - I don't think I do that. I would guess this is not universal. Business people always try to make all workers feel this way (worth less) because they increasingly have to be able to compete in the global economy which is still stuck back in the bad old days of unsafe conditions and non-living wages. So today's youth "have a poor work ethic" because they foolishly expect to have a life and not spend every second in harness. I think that reflects growing up in that special moment in time when it seemed we had arrived at that level of prosperity : I am afraid your children will not have these expectations as we fall back into the past.

 Unless of course you step up and use all that cool new knowledge and technology that you are stepping into to build a brave new world. That is what I hope , and it makes me jealous as hell :>) 
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:iconbluediamondsnow:
BlueDiamondSnow Featured By Owner Sep 20, 2013  Hobbyist General Artist
Freakin' amazing. Some of the best art is spoken in shrinks' offices.
Reply
:iconcolbalt-rain:
colbalt-rain Featured By Owner Sep 30, 2013   Writer
I agree; some of the conversations I have with my therapist are so life-changing, I wish I could write them all down.
Reply
:iconbluediamondsnow:
BlueDiamondSnow Featured By Owner Sep 30, 2013  Hobbyist General Artist
Meeeeeee too! ;)
Reply
:iconinsomniaplague:
insomniaplague Featured By Owner Sep 20, 2013  Hobbyist Writer
I have to say, I love the honesty in this. It's very...intimate with the reader, in a way.
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:iconcolbalt-rain:
colbalt-rain Featured By Owner Sep 30, 2013   Writer
Thank you. :heart: 
Reply
:iconinsomniaplague:
insomniaplague Featured By Owner Sep 30, 2013  Hobbyist Writer
No problem. :)
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:iconspartanginger:
SpartanGinger Featured By Owner Sep 20, 2013  Student General Artist
:iconihugyouplz:
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:iconcolbalt-rain:
colbalt-rain Featured By Owner Sep 30, 2013   Writer
:iconsuperheroglompplz:
Reply
:iconxluckyxfridayx13x:
xLuckyxFridayx13x Featured By Owner Sep 20, 2013  Hobbyist General Artist
I like the thing about this generation and how adults are just envious... it has some solid truth to it.
Reply
:iconcolbalt-rain:
colbalt-rain Featured By Owner Sep 30, 2013   Writer
Every adult I've ever spoken to about that either tapdances around it or flies into a rage. It's refreshing to hear honesty for a change.
Reply
:iconxluckyxfridayx13x:
xLuckyxFridayx13x Featured By Owner Sep 30, 2013  Hobbyist General Artist
Indeed.
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:iconorientalarc:
OrientalArc Featured By Owner Sep 19, 2013  Hobbyist Interface Designer
an interesting story.
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:iconcolbalt-rain:
colbalt-rain Featured By Owner Sep 30, 2013   Writer
Thank you.
Reply
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