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i.

    When I met you, I would only bring tragedies up to the rooftop, or down to the street corner, or to the bike cage. You asked me if any of them were true. "You make the saddest stories so beautiful with that pen," you said, on the same day that we held hands for the first time and I found out you smoked. It's all we are now, though. Just more depressing words from my pen. You loved my writing that much; and that was more than me, and it ruined us.



-


iii.

    The January before you turned twenty-one, you told me you were afraid to become an adult. "I don't want to be somebody a child will hate." You had always smelled like peppermint, cologne, and the truth, and it made me so sure when I told you, "You won't be. You're different." And hey – it wouldn't be the first time I was wrong.



-


v.

    We spent the summer talking about baby names and our house in Colorado. You wanted a daughter and I wanted four boys, and one of them had to be called James. It was October when you asked me for your jacket back, and it was about two days after that you decided you didn't love me anymore. "I'm not leaving you," you told me. But you weren't staying. And, after you were gone, I decided to never have children because I really wanted a son named James, and he would make it impossible to forget.



-


iv.

    Sometimes I'd ask about your mother. I'd ask if she knew about prison camps in the Congo. Once you'd stopped talking about what she did when you were five/six/eleven/seventeen, you'd pull me closer and say, "Between her and those camps? There's no difference." But there is now. The difference is, you'd been lying to me about her. Me, I was the only one hurt, in the end.



-


vi.

    It took a few years, but I need caffeine now because of you, and we both stepped out of the same coffeehouse on the same Monday. "Tell me something," I said; and God, I tried not to cry, I really did. "Was any of it real?" And you just said no, and I never saw you again. (Your answer hadn't changed. But the way you said it, and the way you smelled, had. And it hurt, okay?)



-


ii.

    You told me your name was Drew. I lied and said mine was Victoria. It gets me sometimes – that you knew I used to crush mayflies under my thumbs because I wanted to feel big, but you never knew my name. Meanwhile, I knew yours, and I never understood you. Like how you fell off of your cousin's motorbike when you were young but you didn't break anything. Or, how you woke up that one day, and all of your feelings for me were just gone.



-


vii.

    I think they expected me to get upset when I found out about your wife and daughter. They expected me to rush right over to the morgue, where they told me you were weeping in front of a pane of glass and asking for me. But I was your second option before – and you'd never once cried for me, not like I did – so I all said was, "Please don't." I haven't put the battery back in my phone. Also, they all expect me to pick up my pen, so I won't.



-




      You gave up on us and me, I just gave up.
saying all that cute stuff and then just walking away like it was nothing?

Sometimes I think, if I could, I would be a heartbreaker. I'd be the biggest, meanest bitch around.

Because hurting people is so much easier than being the one hurt.
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:iconkatycartoonfan3:
Katycartoonfan3 Featured By Owner Aug 2, 2013  Hobbyist Writer
Wow. I-I think I have no words. Just take my tears! :tears:
Reply
:iconcolbalt-rain:
colbalt-rain Featured By Owner Aug 2, 2013   Writer
*takes your tears*
*vehemently wishes you hadn't cried* :cries:
Reply
:iconkatycartoonfan3:
Katycartoonfan3 Featured By Owner Aug 2, 2013  Hobbyist Writer
Don't worry. :) Just know that this right here was one of the few things that actually touched me deep enough to make me cry. And that's a good thing, even if it may not sound like it.
Reply
:iconcolbalt-rain:
colbalt-rain Featured By Owner Aug 3, 2013   Writer
That's flattering, thank you. My aim with my writing is to move people, and it's a pleasure to know that it has. :heart:
Reply
:iconajk12:
AJK12 Featured By Owner Jul 27, 2013

brilliant i must point out though if you dont mind...i might even be wrong but shouldnt it be all i said?you have written i all said.

please dont mind!!!!!!!!!I loved it otherwise

Reply
:iconcolbalt-rain:
colbalt-rain Featured By Owner Jul 27, 2013   Writer
It should definitely be "all I said." Thank you for pointing that out.
And I'm glad! :D
Reply
:iconajk12:
AJK12 Featured By Owner Jul 28, 2013
you are welcome :D I really love your written work...Allllll ooofff it!!!!!!!!!!:'D
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:iconautumn-spirit:
autumn-spirit Featured By Owner Mar 9, 2013
wow.. this is my favorite poem of yours so far. I love how you brought in the part about Congo. It's like emotional, yet intellectual as well. Brilliant :)
Reply
:iconcolbalt-rain:
colbalt-rain Featured By Owner Mar 14, 2013   Writer
Oh man, thank you so much. :heart:
Reply
:iconactsofart:
ActsofArt Featured By Owner Aug 10, 2012  Hobbyist General Artist
this is really good!
sad but good.
Reply
:iconcolbalt-rain:
colbalt-rain Featured By Owner Aug 10, 2012   Writer
Thank you! :love:
Reply
:iconqueebi:
Queebi Featured By Owner Jul 25, 2012
Oh Literator, Queen of Few Words and Much Emotion.

That's your new title whatever you're stuck with it sucks to be you. cx

This was, as I'm coming to love from you, very tragic. And beautiful. I don't even see it as you really understanding pain - though I have no doubt you do - and transferring it to words. I can also feel your empathy, your... your understanding of hurt. The understanding is so vast and that's why I think you don't even need many words to convey what you want the audience to feel. You just /get/ it, and it shows.
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:iconcolbalt-rain:
colbalt-rain Featured By Owner Jul 25, 2012   Writer
That's...quite the title.
I like it!

I write too many sad stories, but I can't help it. D: I aim for realism (except maybe held under, where I made a girl come back to life just to die again.) And sadly, I do. I understand pain inside and out, upside down and every which way, more than anybody my age should. But I know I'm alone on that, and that's what's truly sad. But thank you, Bianca. :heart: I appreciate your wonderful feedback.
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:iconqueebi:
Queebi Featured By Owner Jul 26, 2012
*bows*

I don't think you should want to help it, no matter what you write. You write what you want to, and that's that. That... is a very interesting concept for a story. o_____o

For the record, I don't think anyone's really alone in anything. But I understand.

Not a problem!
Reply
:iconsugapieissofly:
SugapieIsSoFly Featured By Owner Jul 25, 2012  Student Filmographer
I love seeing you experimenting with different styles. The short stanzas make each line more powerfully driven and they really push everything forward in a pleasing way.
Reply
:iconcolbalt-rain:
colbalt-rain Featured By Owner Jul 25, 2012   Writer
I love this style. So, so much, it's ridiculous. And thank you again. :)
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:icondistortedreveries:
DistortedReveries Featured By Owner Jul 21, 2012  Hobbyist General Artist
This is so impossibly beautiful .. You really have a knack for writing .
I can kinda relate to this ff ..
Reply
:iconcolbalt-rain:
colbalt-rain Featured By Owner Jul 21, 2012   Writer
I'd certainly hope so. I've been practicing. :) Thank you.
And sadly, so can I.
Reply
:icondistortedreveries:
DistortedReveries Featured By Owner Jul 21, 2012  Hobbyist General Artist
Keep it up .. You should publish your work (:
Reply
:iconcolbalt-rain:
colbalt-rain Featured By Owner Jul 23, 2012   Writer
I'm planning too, some day. :heart:
Reply
:icondistortedreveries:
DistortedReveries Featured By Owner Jul 23, 2012  Hobbyist General Artist
And when you do , you will be very popular . 8D
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:iconcolbalt-rain:
colbalt-rain Featured By Owner Jul 24, 2012   Writer
Gosh, I sure hope so. :D
Reply
:iconbattlebrothertherix:
battlebrothertherix Featured By Owner Jul 19, 2012  Hobbyist Writer
Hurting is easier than being hurt,
but pulling is just as hard as pushing,
And an equal waste of time.
Reply
:iconcolbalt-rain:
colbalt-rain Featured By Owner Jul 19, 2012   Writer
You're right.
Maybe, I'll stop wasting my time on people and just love everyone. It sounds easier.
Reply
:iconbattlebrothertherix:
battlebrothertherix Featured By Owner Jul 20, 2012  Hobbyist Writer
I've ended up taking a neutral stance with everything, outwardly at least.
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:iconcolbalt-rain:
colbalt-rain Featured By Owner Jul 20, 2012   Writer
I have, too. I've started too, anyways. And it's so much easier, isn't it?
Reply
:iconbattlebrothertherix:
battlebrothertherix Featured By Owner Jul 21, 2012  Hobbyist Writer
Yea, it really makes it difficult for people to get to you, and those who you want to be close, you can let them in.
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:iconcolbalt-rain:
colbalt-rain Featured By Owner Jul 21, 2012   Writer
Very wise words.
Reply
:iconw-o-a-nderer:
w-o-a-nderer Featured By Owner Jul 19, 2012
I love how such images and emotions are evoked without unnecessary words cluttering it up. It says just what it wants to say.
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:iconcolbalt-rain:
colbalt-rain Featured By Owner Jul 19, 2012   Writer
Well, I've been practicing. Thank you. :)
Reply
:iconnataroque:
nataroque Featured By Owner Jul 19, 2012  Hobbyist Photographer
I read it first in order and then straight through.. Gosh this is just so beautiful.
And I completely agree with you, if I could, I would destroy the hearts around me. I would be terrible.. but I can't.

your words are beautiful and your imagery as well

Thank you for writing this, I think this is the kind of thing I come back to over and over and over again.
Reply
:iconcolbalt-rain:
colbalt-rain Featured By Owner Jul 19, 2012   Writer
I have stories like that, too, that I just reread over and over again because they just affected me so goddamn much. Glad to see I'm not the only one. I'm also flattered you enjoyed it, too. Thank you millions. <3
Reply
:iconnataroque:
nataroque Featured By Owner Jul 20, 2012  Hobbyist Photographer
You just said it exactly. I'm not even kidding when I say I've already read it over three times
Reply
:iconcolbalt-rain:
colbalt-rain Featured By Owner Jul 23, 2012   Writer
I'm glad you liked it so much. <33
Reply
:iconvikkisynthesis:
Vikkisynthesis Featured By Owner Jul 19, 2012  Hobbyist General Artist
That's it. One day, when you get published, I'm buying your books. :heart:
Reply
:iconcolbalt-rain:
colbalt-rain Featured By Owner Jul 19, 2012   Writer
And I'll personally sign it for you when that day comes. :)
Reply
:iconxenagurl750:
xenagurl750 Featured By Owner Jul 19, 2012
This is amazing, I absolutely loved reading it! :heart: Such a heartbreaking story.

"It gets me sometimes – that you knew I used to crush mayflies under my thumbs because I wanted to feel big, but you never knew my name." Such a great line!
Reply
:iconcolbalt-rain:
colbalt-rain Featured By Owner Jul 19, 2012   Writer
I'm so glad. Thank you. :heart:
Reply
:icondamagedhomewrecker:
DamagedHomewrecker Featured By Owner Jul 19, 2012  Hobbyist Writer
i absolutely love this. its beautiful. stanza v is my favorite because ive felt like that too
Reply
:iconcolbalt-rain:
colbalt-rain Featured By Owner Jul 19, 2012   Writer
Thank you.
And I think, in a way, we all have.
Reply
:iconshawtymanex42:
shawtymanex42 Featured By Owner Jul 19, 2012
It's all we are now, though. Just more depressing words from my pen. You loved my writing that much; and that was more than me, and it ruined us

You gave up on us and me, I just gave up.

But there is now. The difference is, I'm sorry about things I shouldn't be. And you're sorry about nothing

Those lines, mother of fuck, those lines...

How come everytime I read something of yours, I always feel this raw, deep yet totally beautiful flutter in my chest? because everything you write, I feel like I've experienced it before, thought that way, or felt that way. It just seems you can tap into the most frustrating and most confusing of emotions and turn them into something so simple and beautiful. And I think this piece is my new favourite, it's stunning :heart:

Reply
:iconcolbalt-rain:
colbalt-rain Featured By Owner Jul 19, 2012   Writer
My father always says, "Never break a writer's heart because they can turn it into something beautiful and never let you live it down." I think he's right.

It's my favourite, too. One of them, at least. And thank you, like always. :love:
Reply
:iconshawtymanex42:
shawtymanex42 Featured By Owner Jul 20, 2012
Awww, well that is kind of true... xD

No problem! :hug: :love:
Reply
:iconwitwitch:
witwitch Featured By Owner Jul 19, 2012  Student Writer
I enjoyed the way you put the stanzas out of order, it created a sense of intrigue to the poem. After I read the poem in it's correct order, I went back and read it over chronologically--I can see why you chose to break it up in this way. It added emphasis to all the right places, and kept me guessing about what happened. The twist about Drew's wife and child came as a sad shock to me, as I'm sure you intended. All around, this is a great piece, I can think of only one piece of critique, regarding that last little line.

I think the line "I haven't put the battery back in my phone. Also, they all expect me to pick up my pen, so I won't." is quite powerful, more powerful than the last line, You gave up on us and me, I just gave up." I feel the poem could be more impactful without that last little line; the reference to not picking up the pen brings closure to the poem, as it makes a reference to the first stanza, and is a more personal statement relating to the events in the poem. The last little line, while emotional, is also a bit more generic, and seems to hang off the edge of an already completed piece.

Well done, and happy writing!
Reply
:iconcolbalt-rain:
colbalt-rain Featured By Owner Jul 19, 2012   Writer
I'd have to agree. I specifically indented the last line to make it feel like it was the whole gist of what she was trying to say, but I see your point, and I respect your critique.

Also, thank you. <3
Reply
:iconwitwitch:
witwitch Featured By Owner Jul 20, 2012  Student Writer
You're welcome!
Reply
:iconnerd4love:
NeRd4LoVe Featured By Owner Jul 19, 2012  Hobbyist Digital Artist
I can't begin to tell you how much I agree...
Reply
:iconcolbalt-rain:
colbalt-rain Featured By Owner Jul 19, 2012   Writer
Sadly, I have the feeling a lot of people agree.
Then again, it takes pain to know how to cause it.
Reply
:iconnerd4love:
NeRd4LoVe Featured By Owner Jul 20, 2012  Hobbyist Digital Artist
yeah...-sigh-
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